Ep 37 Adulting

It happens to all of us. We reach that fated moment in life where we’re expected to behave like “a responsible adult,” where all the mundane tasks of life suddenly become ours to do. Did “being an adult” sneak up on you? Do you find yourself agonizingly asking, “Why is this happening?!” 

In this episode, we ask: Can contemplative practices and lifestyles help us in navigating the mundane (and sometimes overwhelming!) aspects of our lives? Join us as we talk about the benefits of spiritual companioning in the midst of adulting. 

#contemplative
#spirituality
#PayingTheBills
#Adulting

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Transcript

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

adulting, responsibility, work, student loans

Dominic Kaiser

Welcome to The Contemplative Life: three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative lens.

I'm Christina Roberts.
I'm Chris Roberts.
I'm Kristina Kaiser. We're glad you joined us.

Christina Roberts  00:24

Hello, it is great to be with you. Today we are going to be talking about adulting. Maybe you've seen on social media #adulting, oftentimes in maybe a negative connotation of : 

"I have to do this", 
"What a bummer", 
#adulting.  

And so I wanted to offer us the definition from the Urban Dictionary of what is adulting.  It is a verb.  It is "to carry out one or more of the duties and responsibilities expected of fully developed individuals. Example: paying off that credit card debt, settling beef without blasting, social media, etc." And so we thought it would be fun to talk a little bit about how can contemplative spirituality help us with adulting.

Full disclosure here: the three of us are not in that stage of life anymore.  We are in our 40's, so we are not in that stage of life but we companion and we are friends with people who are in that stage of life. And so hopefully we can come at it today from people who have walked through this, but also just with empathy for those who are currently walking through this adulting season. So what are some ways that we think that contemplative spirituality can help foster adulting?

Kristina Kaiser  01:35

Well, and I will just say, even though I am in my 40s, I feel like I just had one of these moments when I got up in the morning. So here's my good adulting: the alarm went off, and I got out of bed, went to do a workout because it's good for me. So I was doing a yoga video and I did this twist up to the ceiling, and as I was doing it, there was this huge water spot on the ceiling. And I was like, Oh my gosh. The plumber comes out, cuts a hole in the ceiling is looking at all this stuff and then the end decides it's a hose on the refrigerator. Fine. But now there's a hole in the ceiling, and we’ve got to order this new tubing and put everything back. Right? It's gonna be a thing. 

And even though he was saying, oh, Who would have ever guessed? I had guessed is the problem. There was something funny for like a while. What is that strange sound in the vent sometimes? And why does this look like it had been wet at one point, but it looks dry now? Something in me was already suspicious about that refrigerator and I just had not investigated it. So I had this whole painful story of it. If I would have looked harder, if I would have insisted more, we wouldn't have this big hole in the ceiling. It's not a big hole, but it's still a hole. We wouldn't have to replace all these things, it would be so much easier. Why didn't I do the investigative work? So, I was very upset with myself. So yes, in the end, I needed to go through a whole "What is my painful story?" "What is my better story?" The whole bit.  So adulting still happens even at this stage in life where I think, No, not that. I don't want that to be my life. 

Chris Roberts  03:18

 I think something that comes up as we're talking about this adulting.  It seems as if there's this special world that we have to give up to enter this new world of responsibility. I don't know that I fully subscribe to that. Number one, I think our culture kind of sets young people up for some unrealistic expectations. You know, like we create this culture of college and school where you go to school, you have minimal responsibility, unlimited parties, and there seems to be enough cash to do all the things that you want to do.  And then all that ends and then you have to pay the piper, right? You have to pay off the student loans, you have to get a job, you have to make amends for all that you just completed in your life. And it can make your accomplishment from school or whatever, diminished to some degree. Or you long  for that time of just being able to go to the park in the middle of the day or go hang out with a friend. And so I think our culture probably set up these expectations for these lifestyles for some young adults, leaving sort of the school academic arena into the job force. And it's just so much easier to long for those days. 

So I find myself thinking about the contemplative helping people learn how to grieve. To mourn the loss that they're missing from those glory days is real. The longing for it is real, but how can you move forward in life? I think the contemplative has a lot to offer. I think we'll probably talk a little bit more about that, but love to hear more from you guys.

Christina Roberts  05:04

I think it's unfortunate that we have painted a picture that up until a certain age, life is great, and then it kind of goes downhill from there.  I think it is unfortunate, because I don't think that it’s true.  I purposely have been surrounding myself with either people or stories of people who are late in life that are doing amazing, inspirational things. I, for one, really want to reshape and reframe the way in which I'm seeing aging in particular.  That's really important to me. 

I think even with this adulting space, you know, let's just take the classic example of we have to pay the electric bill now. The bill is due, it's here. And we would rather you know, go buy a new outfit or go on an excursion, but we have to pay the electric bill. And so how do we find peace and joy and settledness?  Yes, I am grateful that I have electricity and running water, and that I have the means to pay for this bill. And there is something beautiful and sacred about that.  To see the good in those sort of "practical things" that I think kind of get lumped into the adulting phase. And so I would love to see more of seeing God in the ordinary that we often talk about in contemplative circles, and how that appears with adulting. 

Kristina Kaiser  06:16

Yeah, I resonate with this notion that maybe I knew how to do things. At one point in my life, I knew how to make people happy, and there was a sense of spaciousness, a spaciousness I never knew existed.  Then I figured out later how not spacious life can feel and needing to create that spaciousness for myself has been part of that story. But I think even now, as I look towards, What am I needed as?  I walked through these years, how many times at this point in my life, do I find myself saying, I just don't know what the right answer is, I just don't know what to do. It feels like that is the crisis.  Just to be in this stage of life is to feel like I don't have things figured out like I thought that they did. They don't work the way that I anticipated them to work, which has brought me into needing new ways to live in my life. 

Christina Roberts  07:15

Yeah. Chris, maybe just to continue on your theme of having to grieve some of what was.  You know, I think one area where I'm hearing that a lot is in friendships. Again, if you're in the dorm down the hall, you can have friends, anytime you want friends, right? Or in some of our young adult years, where, to be honest, there is less responsibility, right? If you aren't a home owner, or you don't have children yet that you're caring for things like that, there is a little bit more freedom in some of those younger years. And as you know, as we grow older, depending on what choices we make, or what path that can change, obviously. But I think that's a real thing. 

I think that there's opportunity for rebirth and a newness to friendship, a newness to all of these things that we're discussing. And so yes, there's the grief and the letting go, but there's also all of this possibility that I think is longing to emerge and to create some spaces.  You know, whether it's friendship or I think vocation is another thing. There's, again, some of the folks that I'm talking to in this stage of life, I think, there is a lot of pressure on what do I want to be? What do I want to do? How am I going to make enough money to pay off my student loans? What does it mean for me to have a job that I actually like, where I'm not miserable, doing my job to pay off my student loans, or some of the debt that I have, etc. And those are very real questions that I think the contemplative life and spiritual directors can really help companion folks in that stage of life.

Chris Roberts  08:40

Yeah, I agree. I like finding beauty in the ordinary. And, you know, I don't think it's just adulting.  I find in myself, I live in a neighborhood that's completely surrounded by retirees. And they're out doing their lawn and spending so much time on their lawn and just chatting it up with the neighbors. And, you know, I pretty much know all of our neighbors, and  I chat with them, and they talk about retired life, and I want to get to that spot, you know, a retired life. But I really have to watch myself because I really do experience a lot of God and God moments right now. And I think if you're if you're looking towards something else and not finding God in the ordinary right now, you can miss it. And so I really like what we've been talking about: Where's God at for you right now? And I think there's, there's so much to be seen and so much to know, but sometimes we miss it. Because we're not reflecting or we don't have any gratitude practices or whatever contemplative practices that you need to sort of be in the moment and be in the now.

Christina Roberts  09:54

I think to be fair, oftentimes millennial & Gen Z, they can get sort of bad rap. Oh boy, here we go. But I do think that as we've been talking about these things, I'm going to use another example of time.   Again, when you are in sports, in high school, in college, even middle school and here's your schedule, here's your school, here's your sports, all of that stuff is lined up.  All of a sudden, again, you're done with all of that, and how do I even structure my time anymore when no one's telling me how to do these things?  And so I think with all of these things, it's really important for the three of us represented here as Gen X, there's, the boomers, the GI generation, how do we come together in this common space of Yeah, what you're feeling is real. 

It’s important that I don't know what to do with my time, I don't know how to structure things, I don't have homework anymore, or papers that are due a certain time.  Now I'm in the workforce or doing these things or maybe things around the house and I don't know what to do. And I think that can feel very vulnerable. You can feel almost ashamed, like I should know better by now because I'm “20- whatever”, I'm “30- whatever -that- number- is”.  

So I think that's really a challenge for myself: how do I hold compassionate space of,  It's okay, that you don't know. I'm so glad that you're naming what you don't know.  How can we together find God in these questions that you have and these things that maybe you feel I “should” know already? And there's no timeline, there's no right or wrong age that we know these different responsibilities or tactics or techniques of life. 

Kristina Kaiser  11:30

Yeah, and ironically, because I'm back in school now we even had a whole conversation about the difference in going to school & adult learning.  They called it the adult learning versus pre adult learning. What does that look like? And how does one do it? And so I've noticed on a lot of our documents, at the very bottom, after they give you all the things that you need to do, it will say something like, breathe, go slowly, smile. Here's all these things, but don't freak out. And adulting is much the same feeling.

 I mean, early on, Dominic and I went through a whole set of glasses because we weren't washing the dishes, we just kept leaving the dishes so they would fall off the counter and break and we had  to get a bug bomb because we didn't change the litter box enough.  It got to be out of control.  But it doesn't matter if it's the schoolwork or if these little daily tasks of paying the bills or going to work, whatever it is. That notion of here it all is, breathe.  Go slowly, read this thing, then that; smile. 

There is a something to be said that our family actually we sometimes sit at the table and smile at each other and see if our mood improves. It's like a game in our house to see what will happen. It does work even if you smile fakely.  So if a kid gets in the car, and they're just mad about whatever, somebody was blocking the locker of another and they couldn't get out fast enough.  So that grumpiness, that's a perfect moment, right? And it doesn't have to be your locker, it can be like I was trying to back out of a parking lot and there's a person that goes by and another person that's backing up.

Chris Roberts  13:29

Yeah, I appreciate what both of you guys have been saying, I think, you know, the contemplative can be very helpful and particularly spiritual companioning. I think there's a longing or a need for many of us to know what's next. And sometimes we want to rush. What's next? How do I how do I get to that next thing in life?  And I find having a spiritual companion really helps you to be able to talk about that in a good space that helps you discern and find God in what's next and where he's working and moving in your life. Some people say, “calling”, some people say, “dharma, whatever it is that you want, I think a spiritual companion can really help that process along. So I've really appreciated what both of you guys have been saying about the contemplative life as it relates to adulting.

Christina Roberts  14:35

Well, thanks for the conversation today. And if you are finding yourself resonating with this idea of adulting and contemplative spirituality, we encourage you to reach out for a sample session of a spiritual direction or just to reach out for some more resources at thecontemplativelife.net.

So on that note, we're going to transition to the part of our podcast where we talk about what we are into this week.

Kristina Kaiser  15:04

As I was just alluding to I am back into going to school. It's all over the house. I have a pile of books here, and I have something on the couch there, and let's figure out how to rearrange my schedule.   Dominic and I actually got married and then went to school.  I was 19, so we've been to school together, but it's been a while. And I just realized, like looking at my spaces yesterday,  Wow, I'm a lot to put up with these little piles. Don't touch that. I'm working on that tomorrow. (I won't even be working on it today but leave it there.) So I am into going back to school.

Christina Roberts  15:45

I am into apple picking. This is a tradition in our family. We do it every fall without fail with babies in the Bjorn, strollers, etc.   I just put on the calendar. There's a day off of school coming up and we are going to be going to Apple Berry Farm and getting loads of different colored and flavored apples which I am excited about.

Chris Roberts  16:08

Well, I have really been into hats. I have found out from my doctor that I probably should wear hats for the rest of my life to keep the sun off of my neck. When you age, you're likely you get moles from the sun that affects you in negative ways. And so I've really been into hats. And I've tried out fedoras and I really liked fedoras. Whenever I was young I used to wear cowboy hats. I grew up in West Texas and was into the cowboy thing and I find myself saying,  That is not a cowboy hat that is a fedora. And so hats lately have been fun and they have been keeping the sun off of my ears and neck and head.

Christina Roberts  17:00

Thanks for joining us. As always, we appreciate anyone that takes the time to rate and review us on iTunes as it helps other people to find us. Until next time, make it a great week.