Ep 14 Awakening Our Souls through Spiritual Companionship

Today we are talking with Marcia Bentley, Spiritual Companion and Supervisor for Spiritual Companions. 

What is Spirituality? What is the value of Spiritual Companioning? It turns out that great awakening is possible in our lives as we gain the ability to listen with our hearts, our minds, and our bodies. Most of us are probably better at one or two of these. But to get all three to happen is really something special. 

The number of pearls of wisdom from Marcia in this episode are numerous! 

#SpiritualCompanioning
#SpirtitualDirection
#Awakening
#Silence
#Community

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Transcript

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

spiritual, silence, companionship, deep listening, prayer, companion, contemplative

Dominic Kaiser  00:06

Welcome to The Contemplative Life: Three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative lens.

I'm Christina Roberts.
I'm Chris Roberts.
I'm Kristina Kaiser. We're glad you joined us.

Chris Roberts  00:24

Hello, it's great to be with you. Today we're talking about Awakening the Soul through Spiritual Companionship. And I'm excited to share this conversation with our guest, Marcia Bentley. And Marcia is a Spiritual Companion as well as a supervisor for spiritual companions. My wife and I heard her on another podcast and knew that we absolutely wanted to have her on The Contemplative Life podcast with us. So welcome, Marcia. Thank you, Chris. It is such an honor to be here.

Marcia Bentley  00:58

It is such an honor to be here. 

Christina Roberts  00:58

Well, Marcia, I was so moved when I heard you share about your profound experience with spiritual companionship. You shared this story about how, on one of your sessions, you cried for the entire hour, and the spiritual companion sat with you, cried with you, and didn't say anything. And when I heard that, it sounded like the most beautiful, sacred experience and something that is so rare in our culture today. And so I wonder if you could share a little bit: What do you think it is about Spiritual Companionship that awakens deep parts of the soul in ways that you experience that maybe aren't things that we experience in our day-to-day-busy lives that we live?

Marcia Bentley  01:37

That's an excellent question, Christina. And a huge question, isn't it. So if you look at spirituality as your relationship with God, or the Divine, or, you know, Higher Power, whatever name you have for this incredible force, then spiritual direction is about trying to become more aware of the presence and the work of the Divine in your own life. 

And so spiritual companionship gives you the opportunity to be in an environment, I guess, what I kind of boiled down to love and truth. So the experience you were talking about, my husband had just died unexpectedly. And I went to see my spiritual director. And the place where I was, was such a place of raw pain and grief and grieving and confusion and shock. There just were no words to express it. And so when I came into this environment with my spiritual director, who knew me, who had known my relationship with my husband, she knew all these things. And when I shared with her that he had died, there just were no words to convey that. So I went to this place that was just beyond words. 

And words are wonderful, right? We're talking words, now they communicate, they help us to share. But there are experiences we have in life that just go beyond words. And that was one of them. And rather than try to force me to talk, she followed me, as a good spiritual companion will, and she sat with me just where I was, and didn't try to force me to change or move, didn't try to cheer me up. She just sat with me and we wept together. And it was one of the most moving experiences of my lifetime.

Christina Roberts  03:25

Yeah. And I appreciate that. Because I think often there's the temptation when we see somebody suffering or struggling or having uncomfortable emotion, our immediate reaction is wanting to sweep in and fix it, or, like you mentioned, trying to cheer up. Or sometimes I think it can even feel overwhelming if someone is having this experience. And you can almost feel awkward, like, "Okay, what do I do in this moment?" There's an awkwardness. And so I wonder, Marcia, if you have experienced that on the other side, because you are a spiritual companion yourself? How have you been able to hold space for others in whatever they're bringing in the moment and being able to honor that space?

Marcia Bentley  04:03

Again, good question. So being on the other side of it, when I'm with someone who comes to me for spiritual companionship, again, it's not about me. It's about the other person. It's about what they're experiencing. And so, unlike in normal conversations, when they might say something, and I'll be sitting there listening to them, but thinking about what I'm going to say next, or thinking about a comparable experience that I want to share with them...When you have a spiritual companion come, or a spiritual person come to you as a companion, you sit and you listen, and you listen to where they are coming from. It's not about me; it's totally about that person. And that's such a countercultural experience in our society, to have someone just listen with everything they have to what your experience is. 

So from the other side of it, I come with no expectations. I don't judge the person. I'm not there to try to teach them or to cheer them up or any of those things. I'm just trying to be where they're at. And when I ask questions, it's not so that I can understand the story. It's so that they can understand their story, maybe at a deeper level than they ever have before.

Chris Roberts  05:15

Yeah, I think one of the things that comes up for me, as I hear you talking about this, Marsha is the ability that spiritual companions have to notice spiritual practices in people's life. I think coming from a place of pastoral ministry, or knowing a little bit about counseling, and some of those types of things. And then, there was actually a conversation that we had...I was doing a six-day Silent Retreat, and I asked you the question, "Can I take my guitar with me on the Silent Retreat? Because I find like, I connect with God, when I play my guitar. It's a spiritual practice for me." And you said, "I would never want to take away someone's spiritual practice." 

And I think, how do you think spiritual companionship helps you identify: What are spiritual practices in people's life that, you know, normally the church, wouldn't say, is a spiritual practice? How do you think that differs? 

Marcia Bentley  06:16

Oh, wonderful. So there's billions of us on this planet, right. And it's a good thing. We're not all alike, because that would be really boring. And so we each have our own way of, again, spirituality is our relationship with God. And so we each have our own way of expressing that relationship and experiencing it. So while we're young, we tend to think of prayer as maybe reciting prayers or reading prayers out of a prayer book. Really, all of life is a prayer. 

And so when you asked that question about your guitar, and I know how close you are to your guitar, and how music just stirs your soul, of course, you would bring your guitar! That's such a primary way of you praying. 

So good question about that because, in our churches, we pray in a different way because we need to pray as a group. And so if everybody's off doing their own thing, it's kind of hard to have that group cohesion. So in a situation like that, yeah, we do have common songs, common prayers so that we can experience worship together. But when we're conveying our love to God and communicating with our God, we each do it in our own way. And that has to do with how God created us in the first place. So all of our lives are really a prayer.

Kristina Kaiser  07:36

And I'm wondering, so, Chris is talking a little bit about, "I asked you this question," which is great and astute. What happens if someone doesn't know how to ask the question, if they don't know how to get it out? You've talked a little bit about being able to come into their world and respond to them. Did that develop for you over time? Did you always know how to do that? How do you draw things out or be with people where they are?

Marcia Bentley  08:02

So spiritual direction, again, is about this companionship, or spiritual companionship is about a relationship with a person. So it usually doesn't develop, you know, boom, right in the first meeting. It's kind of a slow, gentle unfolding. I have been through training, as, I know, others are as spiritual companions. And that's part of what we learn as part of that training is: How do we become deep listeners? How do we listen with our, you know, there's really what we talk about: Three Centers of Awareness. 

So we listen with our brains or our intellects. We listen with our hearts, our emotions. And we listen with our bodies. And it's been said that if we're not aware of all three centers of awareness, if we're not present in all of them, then basically, we're asleep. So spiritual companions learn over time, how to be aware  in all of those areas, how to listen to what's being said, how to listen to what's not being said. And then we also learn the kinds of questions to ask that will draw a person out gradually over time, so that they feel comfortable going to places that maybe they don't feel comfortable going with in any other setting.

Kristina Kaiser  09:14

And you're using this great word "Deep Listening." Can you say more about what deep listening is?

Marcia Bentley  09:19

Yes. So deep listening is about being present in all those places: In your brain, in your heart in your body. And it's also just turning your attention totally to the other person. So that deep listening doesn't happen immediately. Again, with a particular person, you tend to learn more the surface level of their story. But then, over time, as they realize they're in an environment in spiritual companionship, where they're not being judged, where it's totally confidential, where someone is just listening to hear their truth, people gradually let go and are willing to go deeper and deeper. 

You know, we talk about that there's at least three versions of any story, Kristina. There's the version of what happened, what really happened. There's the version, what we tell ourselves what happened. And then there's the version, what we tell other people, what happened. And those three versions rarely match up, right? And so in spiritual direction, you have this lovely experience of being able to just settle and rest into the truth. 

Sometimes people are really surprised at what they say. And they'll say, "You know, I've never admitted that to anybody else before," because they can feel comfortable going there. Sometimes people will say things in spiritual companionship, that, once they say it, they'll say, "Wow, you know, I always thought I felt that way. But now that I hear myself saying that, I realiz I really don't feel that way." 

So just the ability to go to a deeper place and express what's in your unconscious, or what's in all those places where you, you know, never usually dare to go, you're free to access all those, free to become a whole person, to accept yourself in your good points, your strengths, your weak points, all of that. Wholeness is being able to become comfortable with all that, and just accept yourself as who you are.

Christina Roberts  11:17

Yeah, I appreciate that, Marcia, and just even the discovery that happens with the Spirit. And as a spiritual companion, it's not about you even asking the right questions or whatever. I mean, you're holding presence. And it's wonderful when we have that. But as you're companioning, with people on the long haul, it's this beautiful dance I've found of, kind of, watching the spirit uncover some of these deeper stories and layers to the story that you're mentioning. And oftentimes just getting to witness that is such a sacred, beautiful moment. Which is so different, again, then, I think, as pastors and the three of us on...Kristina, and Chris and I all have pastoral backgrounds, where, I think people come to us seeking answers, seeking wisdom, seeking insight, which is fine and absolutely has a place. 

And so I think there is more pressure in that setting to ask the good questions, or to have the right resources, etc,. Whereas I've found such an openness and freedom in spiritual companioning that differ so much from that aspect of ministry as well. 

Marcia Bentley  12:09

Mm hmm. I love that image of a dance. And when you're open to the spirit, just like you said, Christina, when you're open to the spirit, and you're open to the nudges, and the "aha moments" that the Spirit breathes through us, yeah, those are wonderful awakenings. 

We have this image in spiritual companionship, that there's actually three chairs when we talk. There's the chair that the person sits in who's coming to see a spiritual companion. There's the chair that I would have as a spiritual companion. And then there's the third chair. And that third chair is the Spirit because this is spiritual direction. The Spirit is present. Sometimes we are surprised where the Spirit takes us, but if we're open to that, we can go places we could never imagine.

Chris Roberts  13:00

And Marcia, I think one of the things that is also coming up for me is whenever you were sharing your story about "being in the spiritual direction, spiritual companionship session with your spiritual director right after your husband died." There were there were no words being used, there was just this space, there were tears, and there were silence. 

And I've actually heard my own spiritual director say that he's had a couple of spiritual direction sessions where the whole time was just spent in silence. And as an extrovert, I'm like, "You know, what is that about?! Just holding space with somebody for an hour or 45 minutes or however long it is, and no words being spoken. Maybe you can talk a little bit about silence and how silence, as a spiritual companion, can be used to actually hear things that aren't being said with words.

Marcia Bentley  14:02

Yeah, silence is a beautiful invitation. Going back to that earlier statement of holding space for another person...So just as a human being, part of my prayer practice is spending time in silence every day. When I spend time in silence, I can really hear the truth. You know, there's just no noise, no nothing contradicting what I'm really experiencing in my own soul. 

And so coming from that place, I can share that kind of space with another person and hold them in my own space because there is room for them in the silence. So in silence, yeah, that's, again, another countercultural thing like you said, Chris. If it's something we don't do, it can make us feel awkward. But when people become more accustomed to silence, they are also invited to go deeper from, maybe, their initial responses or their surface responses. They're invited to go deeper into, mayb,e a little more bit more reflective responses. They're invited more into the truth. 

It was St. John of the Cross who said, "Silence is God's first language." And one of my teachers, Thomas Keating, who taught a method of Christian meditation called Centering Prayer, he added out of that statement. He said, "Silence is God's first language, and anything else is just a bad translation." And I like that because for me in my life, and especially as an introvert, silence brings me a freedom and an ability to be in truth and sit with true reality and my true self and another person's true self. So silence is a huge part of spiritual companionship. Yes.

Christina Roberts  15:45

And I appreciate, too, the difference between holding silence personally, and, I'm also an introvert, Marcia, so I really crave and appreciate that. And in recent years, I've had opportunities to share silence with others in a group. And even what you were saying earlier about "in group situations, we often have common prayers or songs that we sing so that there's a cohesiveness," which is lovely, and that's, you know, something that we've all experienced. But to be able to hold silence with a group as well, I feel, is such a communal experience that has been newer to me. But I don't know, there's such a depth there when others are in that same space as you, practicing in that way, which again, seems kind of odd, because no one's saying anything. But again, it just transcends in my experience to this lovely, beautiful spiritual experience communally.

Marcia Bentley  16:32

It does transcend, doesn't it? You're so right. I'm glad you've experienced that. Yeah, when we pray together with others in silence, we all go to the same place of love and kindness and compassion. And it's so funny because often these are people we don't even share words with. We come together, we pray, we go our own ways. And yet we know those people at a deep level, and they know us. And that love is so pure and so beautiful. So thank you for sharing that. It is an awesome experience.

Kristina Kaiser  17:04

Just talking about silence and sharing with you, I'm realizing that the other day I was working with somebody. And I felt as though this, kind of, impression came up of what it felt like for them. Does that happen to you? Do you have experiences where you have some sympathetic experience with somebody?

Marcia Bentley  17:22

Mm hmm. Good question again. Yeah, absolutely. And I guess maybe I would put it into different words. I would say it was the movement of  the Spirit trying to open me up to see the other person in their wholeness and in their truth. But yeah, that's maybe what I would call an "aha moment" when I'm sitting with someone and can really feel, from their viewpoint, what they're experiencing. We have this saying, again, in spiritual companionship, that "We're trying to look at the other person through God's eyes." And that's a pretty audacious statement. I mean, we can never really get there. But it is a good goal to have, to look at this person in love and compassion for their story, because their story is different than anybody else's. I haven't lived their story, I need to really put myself aside and listen to their story and try to let God communicate that to that person. So really, the best I can do is try to get out of the way of the relationship between that person and God and let those feelings flow. But that understanding and that sympathetic reaction is all part of it.

Chris Roberts  18:29

Yeah. And I like what you said, Marcia, about "all of us are uniquely made, and we have ways that we connect with God, ways that we connect with the Divine." And I think some of the things that I've appreciated about spiritual direction, is that it's sort of nuanced. I think one of the things that I've learned about is that we're all so uniquely made, But that can sort of boil down to different ways that we receive information and take information in. 

And even just listening to this podcast, the visual person who brings something and looks at an image - that's important. 

In spiritual direction, the person for whom words are important, you're listening for for the audible words that they're using, to help them connect to their story. 

And then there's the kinetic, the "I feel this way" or "I want to touch that." And so I appreciate the nuance of spiritual companionship because it really looks at the person and how they're taking in information and how to proceed forward. 

And, you know, one of the things that I've really appreciated going back to the whole silence piece, I think God has worked in my life with silence more at a deeper level than than words could ever do. So, the times that I've spent in spiritual direction, some of those first 5 to 10 minutes where I just spent in silence, where I had a feeling that God was with me, probably did more than all of my words that came out in a in a companionship session. And so I really love that you hit on how uniquely we are all made. And I really appreciate this conversation that we've been having today.

Marcia Bentley  20:33

"Nuanced," you use such interesting words and words are important. But yeah, that silence. It goes beyond the words to just the truth of our being part of this amazing universe. And this God who created billions of galaxies, each with billions of stars, love each one of us unconditionally. Doesn't that just blow you away?! And that's part of what we experience and we celebrate when we set the time aside to spend time with a spiritual companion, and to be able to become aware of and to celebrate that part of our existence. "Seek and you shall find," I guess, is a phrase that just keeps coming back. "Seek and you shall find," if you spend the time to do this, the rewards that you reap, just go beyond anything you can imagine.

Christina Roberts  21:22

What a lovely note to end on, Marcia, thank you so much for sharing this conversation with us today. We've just been delighted to have you. 

Marcia Bentley  21:29

Thank you. It's been absolutely delightful.

Chris Roberts  21:37

Well, this is the part of our podcast where we talk about what we are into what are we into guys,

Kristina Kaiser  21:43

I think in our house, it has been the daily Joie de Vivre. So for the Lenten season, we're doing a daily gratitude around the table. And it's been so interesting to hear what everybody comes up with. Sometimes I don't even instigate! Somebody else says, "Hey, we got to do the Joie do Vivre," which is making me even happier. So yesterday, my Joie de Vivre was hearing the little one call a restaurant, "the cooking house." I just thought that was so creative. "I don't have a word. So I will call it the cooking house."

Christina Roberts  22:14

I love that, very fun. I am into summer vacation planning. So I think I am feeling the pent up of, "Oh, I want to be traveling!" And so, I am the youngest of five, and my siblings are all across the United States. And so we have been texting this week, trying to figure out if we can possibly see each other this summer. Many of my family have already received the vaccination. So we're navigating all of that. So I am into summer potential vacation planning 

Chris Roberts  22:40

Going along with that I have been into bike research. We are going on vacation, and we plan on doing a lot of biking. And so I have two different bikes to get: one for Christina and one for Sean, our youngest. And so it's quite a bit of range and research that I'm doing. But I'm also noticing that there is not a whole lot out there on websites. You usually have to preorder two months in advance. So I'm crossing my fingers that I can go into a shop somewhere in town and just pick out a bike that's the right size and the right fit for for everyone in my family. So I have been into bicycles this week. 

Well thank you for listening and joining us in The Contemplative Life podcast. Please check out thecontemplativelife.net for more resources. We're glad that you joined us. See you next time.