Ep 13 Fear: Choosing Action over Reaction

Fear, whether it comes from imagined circumstances or real ones, is something we all find ourselves having to deal with. If our goal is to be able to choose action over reaction, what can help us achieve that goal? 

In this episode, each of us shares ways in which we’ve identified fears in our own lives and what sorts of things we’ve tried that have begun to help us peel back the layers often associated with fear. What are some of your fear responses and what have you found helpful? 

Additional Resources:

Book: Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics by Dan Harris

#BehindtheWaterfall
#NavigatingFears
#SpiritualCompanioning
#JoiedeVivre
#Journey

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Transcript

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

fear, contemplative, contemplative practices, god

Dominic Kaiser  00:06

Welcome to The Contemplative Life: Three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative life.

I'm Christina Roberts.

I'm Chris Roberts.

I'm Kristina Kaiser. We're glad you joined us. 

Kristina Kaiser  00:23

Hello, I am glad to be with you all today. We are launching into talking about how the contemplative can be useful to us when we are experiencing fear-based responses.

I am sure all kinds of fear-based responses come up in all of us from time to time, but it came up for me recently to the point that I was like: I want to talk about this in a podcast. 

Our littlest one had come running into our room at, like, five in the morning. So it's like: Little feet, [sound of feet running.] And he's breathing heavy, it's faster. And he's kind of whiny. And so it kind of, like, pulls you out, and my mind starts to go crazy all of a sudden. (And just like a little extra background, there had been this stomach bug going through our house, right? So anybody who's up, my first thought is, "Oh, my gosh, they've got the bug, and they're going to be sick.) But you know, it could be anything. So I'm trying to like, figure out the cause? Did he have a bad dream? Is he just afraid from walking down the hall and it's too dark right now? Is he gonna get sick, trying to figure other things. 

And when I get nervous, when that fear-based response comes, my body gets really hot. So I could feel like, "Oh, my gosh, I got to get these covers off me because I feel really warm." And I needed to calm down, to be in my body, in my space, and be able to just be attentive. 

So I started to breathe a little bit, which was at least enough, right, to get me to a place where my temperature wasn't still rising, and to attend to him. And then we had to walk through it. So he actually did not end up exhibiting the stomach bug symptoms for several more hours. But then, he did succumb to it all. and we did have to do all the things that I was afraid of. We had to do the laundry; we had to walk through the whole scenario. 

But we were okay. We got through it. And I was more tired that day, which was another fear that I was having at 5am...But we got through it. And so, I don't know, just thinking about how this works in our lives. I would love to chat about it: How do you deal with fear in your lives? Are there contemplative practices that help you with this? What's your experience?

Chris Roberts  02:31

Well, I find, you know, you're talking about a crisis happening and fear being a response. And I definitely have times like that, where, you know, this crisis has happened, or what appears to be a crisis, especially when something happens late at night. And my response is to become an ogre, you know, "Urrrr," big gruff, and I become angry. The fear situation causes me to be angry, and that's an appropriate emotion. (I think that people say men can be angry whenever they're fearful, and it sort of stamps out the fear because the anger has sort of risen to a level that causes the fear to be squashed down.) 

But that isn't my most common response to fear. I think my biggest response to fear when I'm not being thoughtful or contemplative about it is to escape. I just, like, "I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to think about all the negative stuff." So I just, like I'll go into a book. I'll go snack on something in the kitchen. So escapism sort of becomes my way of dealing with fear...although I don't think that's helpful. I don't think that helps you to to deal with the issue. I think, you know, again, like settling into, "Okay, what, is going on? How do I contemplate the actual experience? And how do I not react to it but act accordingly?" 

Someone said that the opposite of contemplation isn't action; the opposite of contemplation is reaction. I find that I want to be a person who acts. I don't want fear to cripple me. I want to be able to act, but I don't want to REact in situations. So that's what I think of whenever I think of being contemplative and when that emotion of fear rises up.

Christina Roberts  04:28

Maybe for me, I tend to think of fear and not so much as the immediate crisis at hand. I would maybe call that "being inconvenienced" or something like that. I think, for me, it's more, sort of, deeper issues that I'm afraid of that maybe are a little bit harder to excavate. 

So I'm thinking of a session that I was in where I was receiving spiritual companionship from someone and just really coming to, you know, some of the questions that he was asking me were drawing out some of my fears of "what it means to be a leader," and "if my leadership influence increases, then that means there's more potential for hurting people, failing, having situations that are out of my control." 

And as he was asking these questions and drawing out, it was like, "Wow!" I actually didn't realize the multiple layers to some of these fears that I was feeling. And I had never cried before in front of him, but I just broke down in the session, because he was just drawing out these facets of fear that I had never even considered. Like, maybe on the surface, but I think I just had made excuses for myself or was just kind of plunking along. And he was really identifying, "You know I think there's some fear here that we need to discuss and to talk about in order to see us that free." 

And so I don't know, I think when I think of the topic of fear, I probably maybe think more, I don't know, if it's like: long term fears, or deep fears, things like that, that I have found these contemplative practices really helpful. And I think that conversation, it's not like I had that conversation and then I dissipated all my fears. That was probably eight years ago. That launched me into this eight-year process where I have slowly come in contact with: Okay, what do I think about these secondary fears that come from some of these major fears that have been identified in me? Why do I think these things? How do I move forward? What's the step that I can take towards responding to this in my life? So I guess that's what's come up for me when I think about this idea of fear.

Kristina Kaiser  06:27

I think these are all really helpful points because there are so many ways that we experience fear. Like, even as you guys are talking, I'm realizing: I'm always asking, "What does this person think of me? What does this person think of me?" There's like this fear that people won't receive me well, and so I'm always adjusting and reacting and trying to be in that space. 

What helps in the middle of it...I think, the last year, I've been working through this "Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics" stuff, and really early on in the book, he talks about this notion of: All of your thoughts, I suppose, your reactions, like what Chris is saying, it's like being under the waterfall, right? And so it's just all getting on top of you,. You can't really breathe or find any perspective. And the goal is to get behind the waterfall, so that you can see it a little more clearly, step back a little bit, and have it here not be kind of right under the experience of it. So the last year or so has been that, a little bit for me too. Can I step back? Can I get a little bit of space between me and my fear and then try to figure out what to do?

Chris Roberts  07:35

I think a lot of people think about: What tools can they use to help them deal with fear? And I think there are different tools for different personality types. And, you know, I think I can speak to my own personality type or my unique self. A lot of times, whenever I find myself worrying or anxious, I think singing or music helps me to - not necessarily, like I said before, -  escape, but to become more grounded. I think a lot of times my fears are the "what ifs," right? What ifs, and if I go down that path and keep excavating, digging...That isn't helpful for myself. But I think finding a "groundedness," okay, with my feet on the ground, not floating off into what could happen. But me personally being grounded, is super helpful. And I found singing or playing guitar is a very helpful tool. And like I said, I think there are a million ways that we can find tools to help us. But that's what works for me.

Christina Roberts  08:51

That's interesting, because I think I'm the opposite where "going down the 'what if' trail" is actually really helpful and freeing for me. And so if there's a fear that I am dealing with, or even if I'm talking to someone else: What is the worst case scenario that could happen? 

And sometimes it's embarrassing. Like, the worst thing is like: I've lost my job. I'm homeless. I'm on the street. My kids are in jail. I mean, like, you just let yourself go down there. And then it's like, "Okay, if that happens, and we're all in jail, or we're drug addicts, or whatever, can I handle that?" 

And I think in that space of: At the very bottom, God will be there, too. And so I think that just helps me to: Yu know, what, whatever trail this goes on, I'm not going to be alone. God is with me. And so I think it just kind of helps to, I don't know, I think for me, having an ambiguous fear is where I get in trouble. And if there's ambiguity around the fear, that's when it continues to build up. But when I can name it and actually, like: This would be the worst thing where these are the three possible worst things that could happen...I can deal with that. And I know that God will be there. So that's how I tend to, I think, navigate this.

Kristina Kaiser  09:54

Yeah, I had a friend that did that with me once over dinner. Not a real session, but he was telling us about how he had started going to these group meetings, and it was really helping him. And so he just, I think, practiced with me. And he just kept asking again and again: And what would happen if that happens? And I kept saying things. And the more that he asked, "And then what would happen?" The more it was like, "Oh, yeah, my fears are a little bit, I don't know, grandiose, let's say." (I think I wanted to use the word dumb, but dumb is the negative and grandiose is more of the positive.) 

So yeah, I feel like the "what if" trail is also helpful. But Chris, I'm super into what you're saying, too, because I'm a musician, right? So the notion of "what opens us to the Divine, like, what helps us become aware of the Divine? Music does! And I think in a previous podcast, we talked about poetry as another way that can slow us down. So it all makes sense. 

And like this summer, so...all of our stuff, we had put it on a truck. And then they drove it away. And then it was this very nefarious experience of; When would that stuff show up? Or would it show up? How can we be sure? And a lot of people in that scenario were like: You're doing a really good job. You seem really calm for the fact that you have no idea when your stuff is going to show up, or if it will show up. 

And I think on the outside, I was managing for the sake of others. On the inside, I felt completely sick. And I found that the only thing that I could do in that scenario was journal. I couldn't take deep breaths; I couldn't do anything. But if I started writing, then I felt like I could hear God's voice to me; I could remember the other times that goodness had come into my life, against all odds. But not unless I could slow it down. I had to have some way to slow it down.

Christina Roberts  11:52

Yeah, Chris, I appreciate, too, what you're saying about the music. And I think even when the pandemic started, and there was just high levels of fear, you know, everyone. No one knew what this was going to mean. And you putting together some Spotify playlists, and particularly leaning into some beautiful instrumental pieces with the different strings and the way that it unfolded just took you into these other places of peace and beyond words that was just so healing to my soul, and to many others that you share those lists with. So I think yes! I'm so glad that you highlighted that. That's such a wonderful way in which we can engage

Chris Roberts  12:31

Yeah, and I really appreciated what you guys had to say about allowing people the space to, sort of, go down. And as someone who spiritual companions with others, I think I've I've been able to open up the questions for people that allow them to explore the what ifs. And I just think, as a people, we're really resilient. You know, if you look at history, and all the atrocities that happened, even recently, the Holocaust was an atrocity that happened not too long ago. And just hearing some of the stories of individuals and how, not only has their lights not been diminished, but it's just shone so brightly for the world to see. And it's been such an influence to our modern world right now. So I like thinking, and helping other people, to understand the resilience that they have. And how we can just move forward. And how the contemplative and companioning can help with that.

Christina Roberts  13:44

Yeah, and I appreciate, too, just even drawing out that there's circumstantial fears. But there's also inner-mini-mental fears that we have, right? And both of them, again, are different types of fears. But they both matter. And I think being able to give voice to whether it's an internal mental thing that I have that, wherever it came from, I don't know. But it's there. And I'm really dealing with that interference. Or circumstantially, there's things happening beyond my control right now. And how am I interacting with that? So I really appreciate even the different types of fears that we are naming today.

Kristina Kaiser  14:15

Yeah, I do too. And so...I've been trying to develop this notion of this Joie de Vivre Journey in one's life, right, and, eventually it all comes to these moments. It comes to the point where we have to walk through the thing we can't control, the suffering, the sadness, the struggle. And I find myself, a lot of times, realizing: The only way through something is through it. Right? And a lot of the fear is this resistance to wanting to even do the journey. "I don't want to do that. I don't want to walk that." So I feel like a little bit of it is saying, "Yes," like being able to say yes to walking through it, which comes...and a little bit back to the: What's the worst that can happen? And if that's the worst that can happen, that's what it is. 

Well, I thank you guys for chatting about this with me. And if you are listening to this, I would love to hear your voice in the comments, too, so tell us: How do you handle fear in your life? And if you're looking for more resources on the contemplative in general, do be checking out thecontemplativelife.net.

For now, we are going to go into our thing that we are into this week. So tell me, you guys, what's lighting up your life?

Christina Roberts  15:35

This week, I am into researching state parks and state campsites. So with COVID last year, you know, we're still in the middle of COVID, as this podcast is being recorded. But you know, last summer we decided to...we had a little pop up camper that we had got as a family because we didn't know what travel would look like, and really began to explore very local, so we stayed within our state primarily, you know, a couple hours away, or even within an hour...to really explore the state parks. But this year, I'm feeling a little bit more adventurous and looking at some different state parks and neighboring states. And, gosh! What a...God bless the Department of Natural Resources and people that put these things together, because the United States has some amazing local and state parks that, I think, I have under appreciated. And so I've just been really grateful for the beautiful places that people cultivate, and the lakes and the trees and all of that, and really looking forward to exploring some more of that this summer. So that is what I'm into this week.

Chris Roberts  16:34

I have been into spring, whether or not that's reality. The snow is melting outside, the weather is getting warmer, and I find myself wanting to walk more and pay attention to nature around me. So I've really been into the hope of, "Is spring gonna come a little bit early? Is the weather gonna warm up? Am I going to be delighting in being outside in temperatures that are comfortable rather than bundling up?" So that's what I've been into.

Kristina Kaiser  17:08

I love it. I have also had visions of spring. I think what I am currently into...so it's the Lenten season, which means that Easter is a few weeks away. And so I'm getting all the supplies together to dye eggs. And I don't know why I'm so delighted about it. But the color has been very important to me this past winter. And light! And so I'm really excited to dye eggs. That is my thing. 

Thanks everybody for being with us. Again, I want to point everybody to thecontemplativelife.net if there are ways that you would like to explore these topics more. And we'll see you soon!