Ep 4 Shadow Side of Personality

Is it possible that the Shadow Side of our personalities are hijacking our spiritual life?

In this episode we talk about how our personalities may be affecting our spiritual experience and how reflection about that can help us discover an evermore fulfilling spiritual experience.  Join us as we explore the many ways that lead us to connect with the Divine!

Additional Resources:
Invitation to a Journey by Robert Mulholland Jr
For more info on the Myers-Briggs Personality Assessment
All Creatures Great and Small
Divine Hours Prayer

#PraythePsalms
#Nature
#CommunalContemplation
#Contemplative Dialogue
#Silence

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Transcript

 SUMMARY KEYWORDS

contemplative, personality, prayer, shadow, spiritual, contemplative spirituality

Dominic Kaiser  00:06

Welcome to the contemplative life: Three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative lens.

I'm Christina Roberts.
I'm Chris Roberts. 
I'm Kristina Kaiser. We're glad you joined us.

Christina Roberts  00:24

Hello, it is great to be with you, wherever you're listening. Today we're going to be talking about contemplative spirituality and personalities, specifically the shadow side of our personalities. And I'd love to kick off our conversation today, with some quotes from Robert Mulholland Jr, who wrote the book "Invitation to a Journey." And this is what he says: Left to ourselves, and the development of our spiritual practices, we will generally gravitate towards those spiritual activities that nurture our preferred pattern of being and doing. The shadow side of our preference pattern will languish unattended and nurtured. And he goes on to say that when we aren't nurturing our shadow side, it eventually will demand equal time. And the ways in which it shows up are usually unpleasant and often destructive. 

And Dr. Moholland, in his book, talks specifically about the Myers Briggs personality test. So for those who may not be familiar with it, we will certainly link it into the show notes. But it goes through four different personality attributes. The first one being introversion extroversion, how we relate to our world in that way. The next is sensing versus intuitive. So the intuitive type of a person versus a sensor likes to have things that they can touch, feel and know through their five senses. Next is a thinking or feeling preference. And then that last piece is judgment or perception, which doesn't mean judgment in the sense of judgmental, but more of an orderly approach to the world, versus a more spontaneous free flowing. 

And so let me give an example of what he might be talking about. He says: For example, if you have a strong preference for judgment, our spiritual life will probably be very highly structured and regulated. Devotional practices might be planned, usually following a well developed pattern. Reading of scripture will be very systematic, and we will have a tendency to control our relationship with God. If on the other hand, our preference is perception, we might find it difficult to develop regular or structured spiritual practices. We'll do our spirituality whenever we can find the time or it happens to just unfold. And we can become restless with that idea of an orderly sense of worship. 

And so I find his ideas really striking about, number one, kind of, paying attention. And I think we do, at least in my own life, I tend to overcompensate in the ways in which are natural for me. And I really have to consciously think about contemplative spirituality as it relates to the shadow side of my personality. So I'm curious how that resonates with the two of you today.

Kristina Kaiser  03:08

As you're reading there, I'm starting to realize that the way that Dominic and I interact...so when I take these tests, I sometimes change letters, which isn't supposed to happen, I don't think. But I realize that Dominic has very strong personality traits, and I move for him. So when I think about my own self, if I try really hard to separate myself from all the other people in the world around me, which is not easy to do, I realized I need really specific downtime in order to get in touch with what I'm feeling and what I really want to do. Or otherwise, I'll be sucked in to everybody else's thing, what they need, what is important for them what they care about. And I kind of like that stuff. I kind of like getting in there and helping other people out. But I'll lose myself. Someone will ask me how I am, and I'll tell them what I'm doing. And they'll say, "That's not what I asked you." [Sarcastically] Don't mess with these semantics with me. I am doing. that's how I am. [laughing]

So yeah, I need that downtime. I need that intentional listening time where I purpose myself to be quiet. But on the other hand, there's just enough of me that's extroverted, that I also really do get something meaningful from hearing people's stories. And it inspires me and brings up these things. So I have to find the balance between the listening to God and listening to what's inside of me and listening to other people. Because if I listened to them out of a depleted space, I won't stay balanced. I'll just go all into them.

Chris Roberts  04:57

Yeah, I think what comes up for me when I think about personality and your shadow side: When you think about spirituality as a way of life and a way of being in the world, what brings me life and what brings me purpose...I'm a very spontaneous person. I love seeing where the road takes us. Being married to somebody who is not that way, that likes to have a plan, likes to have things mapped out, learning to achieve the balance with being spontaneous and having a plan...

Whenever I think about my spiritual life, I think about prayer, I don't do well with spontaneity and prayer. Spontaneity in prayer doesn't work well. I can't imagine enough of what prayer should look like whenever I am spending time with God. And so what's been helpful for me is actually having scripted prayer. So at various times in my life I've prayed The Divine Hours, where it's these set prayers that you participate in a number of times a day, or going to the Psalms, praying the Psalms. That has really invigorated my prayer life, having those scripted ways of going to prayer. And the rest of my life is totally spontaneous. You know, I like going for walks. And I see God in nature: I'm like, "Oh, look at that, look at that!" And all all these things lead me to the divine whenever I'm out in nature. But when it comes to prayer, I feel like being scripted has been very helpful for myself.

Christina Roberts  06:51

That's interesting, because I, in the Myers Brigg, I'm Intuitive. I'm the N. And so, I think, to your point, Chris, I am more of a structured person. But with prayer, I love spontaneity. So I wonder if, intuitively, I know that that's kind of my go to where I need to have that balance. And I've sort of pushed away from some of the more liturgical. 

But as I have been introduced with you being an example of some really beautiful scripted prayers, I find myself actually being able to lean into that space in my spiritual life, where I think I've pushed that away spiritually, because so much of the rest of my life tends to be structured. But I do think that that is an undernourished side of my spirit, that there is some beautiful value in some of those scripted liturgical prayers that I think I had pushed away. And so I think, you know, even seeing the interplay with the intuition, and maybe, in our professional lives, our family lives, our social lives, we may lean into some certain spaces. But then, kind, of recognizing that, that might look different in a contemplative space.

Kristina Kaiser 

Yeah, I think, as we're talking about prayer, the "putting myself down" way of saying it would be like, "Man, I'm such a hot mess," but I find that other people speak better life into the way that I am, which, is really good for me. But I feel like it's all about variety in my world. I need time where I really sit and I might write because that's a space that's helpful for me. I also find that I might come into a prayer time with a plan, and then I realize, "This is not the plan. This is not the way. We must find a new way." And so I have to shift, which I will often feel guilty about, that somehow a "good contemplative" wouldn't shift in the middle. They would have stuck with their decision. 

Kristina Kaiser  08:39

But then, if I just concede and do the shift, then I'll actually get something out of it. It's really the fighting with myself that creates a problem. But then, when I learned that there was communal, contemplative, that, that was a real thing, and there was a real tradition, I want to know about this communal experience because this variety brings energy to my life. And, in a way, people bring energy to my life as long as I get a little bit of downtime. So it was also exciting to learn that things like contemplative dialogue, were real, that intentional dialogue, that would find that inner spirit, was something that you could do. And was like, "Yes, teach me about it! Let's do this!"

Christina Roberts  09:27

Yeah, and I think it's important to have, almost, like, a well-balanced diet spiritually, and to actually put some thought into that because later on in the book, Mulholland talks about the shadow side of our personalities that are undernourished, and how they demand attention. And he said, "I wonder if that's why, for example, we hear of pastors who are driven with the success and the numbers, and then they end up having a sexual affair with the secretary or things like that, because maybe they haven't had opportunity to get in touch with those emotional parts of the shadow side that demand that. And if that's not being nourished, it's going to come out anyway one way or the other." 

And so the importance of having different people in our lives, or books that we're reading, or different voices that are helping to inform and stretch us. And, you know, just last night, I was in a conversation with someone who I'm going to guess is more of a Senser and likes more of a theological bend and was asking me about my Greek Orthodox upbringing. And I love talking about the mysticism or the Orthodox tradition, and how it does inform the way in which I pray or possibly engage with the Holy Spirit. And he was wanting to geek out on the theology of it and the Scripture and how I relate to the Bible. And it was like, "Whoa, like that's not my Bible thing. That's not how it was informed." But it really kind of stretched me to have to think a little bit and to exercise some of those muscles, and see the spirituality from a different angle, and recognize that maybe that's an entrance point for him. And I have to honor where he's coming from and his curiosity, which again, just makes for a more well rounded expression of the personality.

Kristina Kaiser

That's so fascinating. Because I think going back to that other comment you made where, "I am structured in some ways, but then in prayer, I want to drop that," I relate to that. I feel like I will structure the day so that everybody can get to where they want to go, or where they need to go, more specifically. But then there's all this other stuff that feels super loose. And so I do like to know that I'm doing it right, like maybe, if I knew the rules. But then I would eventually want to break them. Or I would want to bend or explore the boundaries of them or something. So I wonder, I don't know, because I used to test as an S. And now lately I test is an N. So that has shifted, but one thing that never shifts is the feelings. I have to experience the world through my emotions.

Chris Roberts  12:03

Yeah, it's interesting, I find that I land as an ENFP on the Myers Briggs. And Extroverted is a way that I typically would describe myself, this way of getting energy from people. And as I've come to the contemplative life, I find that I can get energy from being around people, but it's in the times of being by myself, that's when I connect with God, in the sitting space. Some of my teachers have said, "Find your favorite sit spot, or your favorite place in nature." And I find that, that brings more energy to me now in my life than being with people. I've got three kids, and the only place I can go to get away from them sometimes is the bathroom. I lock two doors, and they still find their way to knock on the door and ask questions and invade my space. So, you know, I really need to go outside. I need to go to a space that is by myself where I can connect with the Divine. I find that I know more about myself; I'm able to explore more through these contemplative practices as I get older in life.

Kristina Kaiser 13:35

That is such a good point with all the kids around. I do have to schedule it. I would like to believe that I don't have to schedule it. But if I don't have intentional stops in the day, I will blow right through it. So yeah, I am with you. It is amazing how children are like cats. There's just a hand under the door. 

Chris Roberts  13:58

Mine's more clawing. 

Kristina Kaiser  14:03

I think it's also worth...so we talk about extrovert/introvert, and for a long time, I couldn't figure out how that worked for me because everyone said, "You are for certain an extrovert." But by the end of a day where I had been with a lot of people, I was really tired. I really needed some downtime. And so people kept telling me I'm an extrovert and I kept feeling exhausted. There's this word in the world: An ambivert, someone who rides the line more closely to the middle. And I was thankful to find out that it existed and there was a whole rationale behind it and that I could fit and not just be a total Bizarro.

Christina Roberts  14:45

So I think another aspect of this that I maybe want to highlight is just the idea of, you know, different ways that our personalities are expressed our spirituality and really noticing that. So I've been doing some premarital mentoring and marital mentoring with some some newly married couples. And I have back to back sessions where we're talking about our personality. And then the next one is about our spirituality, and really paying attention to - often those people that are a little bit more private, you know, maybe they're introverted. Or their vocation is more researcher, or things like that. That's going to show up in their spirituality. And usually, that's an "aha moment" for people. 

Christina Roberts  15:22

And so even, Kristina, you talking about the communal aspect. You know, as an introvert, I don't get a lot of energy necessarily around, say, for example, singing out loud with a bunch of people, although it's beautiful, I tend to be maybe a little bit more reflective. But a couple years ago, I had an opportunity to go on a Silent Retreat. And so I'm sitting in a room with 200 people spending six hours throughout the day in silence... that was a profoundly powerful experience for me where it was community, but it was shared silence. And sometimes that space of, you know, again, sort of paying attention to...in that situation, I was nourishing my dominant side. Definitely I do notice my shadow side as well. But even paying attention to some of those nuances of our personalities and different ways in which that can be expressed can be really freeing, I think, for a lot of folks,

Kristina Kaiser  16:13

Well I think you will be the poster child, at this point, for people who wonder if they could do silent spirituality, I think most people feel a lot of anxiety about that idea. And even as you talk I think, "Would I have that same sort of energy in that scenario? Or would I still be wondering how to be with all those people? " I'm not sure. I've never tried it before. 

Christina Roberts  16:39

And I think that's a good point, Kristina, because when we are nourishing the shadow side of our personality, it's uncomfortable, because it's not our natural thing to do. And so I think it takes maybe a little bit of practice, or working through some awkwardness, or maybe overcoming some of our initial fears to even try to go down that route. So I think for me, too, challenging myself to go to a new group, for example, like to show up at a group, I usually don't want to do that. And I can think of 12 excuses why I don't want to go, but then I'll eventually go. And once I'm there, I'm glad I was there. But it's a stretch for me to do that. So I think that's a really important part that you bring out, that, you know, sometimes there is positive hesitation. And there's a little bit of risk involved. Maybe in trying some of these new practices.

Chris Roberts  17:20

I was invited to do a Silent Retreat through a program that I was doing. And everyone knows that I'm an extrovert, and they're telling me, "Oh, we're really concerned for you, Chris, that you're going to have to spend six days in silence." And it just sort of put this thing on me like, "Oh, this is gonna be hard for me as an extrovert." And then I sat with that idea of: What is a Silent Retreat for? And I wanted to lean into the things that you would call your shadow side, and I wanted it to be a positive experience. Again, I wanted to lean into things that don't get nourished. And so that was a super rich experience for me.

Christina Roberts  18:12

Well, this is the part of our podcast where we like to talk about what we're into this week.

Kristina Kaiser  18:18

So I am currently into the early Star Trek stuff with Captain Picard. I think it was The Next Generation, which my husband got me into. And initially, I was like, "Really?...: And then, it turns out, there's all these amazing themes of what it means to be human or what it means to exist, really, because there's so many different types of people. But um, we got to the end of the whole thing, and I had this feeling of sadness inside of me. I was like, "What is this feeling I'm having?!" But Dominic was like, no problem. Deep Space Nine is next. So just last night, I started Deep Space Nine, but Star Trek has been fueling me and my ideas these days.

Chris Roberts  19:06

Well, I have been into a television show called Altered Carbon. And it's not for the faint of heart...I really have enjoyed some of the ideas that are brought forth with the writers of this science fiction series. They're bringing these ideas of parsing out the human soul, or what we would call "heart, mind spirit." Essentially, these individuals can die, but they have this thing called "a stack," and they can live on in another body called "a sleeve." And so I've been enjoying seeing how some of these thoughts of, like, "dualism" are playing out in this television series Altered Carbon.

Christina Roberts  19:55

I will continue on the television series theme and this week, I am into the PBS show All Creatures Great and Small. And it's about a newly graduated veterinarian who lands his first job in a small village in Yorkshire, England. And it's based on a true story of journals of this veterinarian, but it's just a really light hearted show. It's something that our family can watch together. And you know, we span different...you know, we have a five-year old and a 13-year old. So sometimes it's hard to find something that we will all watch, but it's just kind of delightful to watch how he interacts with, you know, cows and cats, etc. So I am into All Creatures Great and Small this week. 

We're so glad you joined us. As always, we invite you to check out thecontemplativelife.net for more resources or to connect for one-on-one spiritual direction or retreats. Have a great week. See you again next time.