Ep. 1 Moving Past Spiritual Boredom

What if dissonances we feel around our spiritual practices are trying to tell us something?

At one point or another, most of us probably find that some of our usual faith practices just aren't helping us connect anymore. In this episode, we talk about both the spiritual practices we've tried in the past and what we're exploring now. Join us  and add your voice  in the comments!

#Seasons
#Awareness
#Intention

Additional Resources:
Malazen Book of the Fallen by Steven Erikson

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Transcript

 SUMMARY KEYWORDS

contemplative, spiritual, prayer, tradition, faith, bible, 

Dominic Kaiser 00:06

Welcome to The Contemplative Life: Three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative life.

Christina Roberts  00:14

I'm Christina Roberts.
I'm Chris Roberts. 
I'm Kristina. Kaiser. We're glad you joined us. 

Christina Roberts  00:24

Hi, it's good to be with you. Today we're going to be talking about an issue that I have found with many of the people that I meet with for spiritual companioning. And it's this idea that: What do we do when we find ourselves getting a little bit bored spiritually? I think sometimes it's hard to even identify language around that. Sometimes we feel bad admitting that the things that maybe once worked for us in our spirituality no longer do. And so I'd love to talk today about what do we do, and how do we approach spiritual boredom?

Chris Roberts  00:57

Yeah, I think this is a great conversation to have. I'm often thinking about spiritual boredom. And, I think, what comes up for me is: when I was growing up, the faith  tradition that I was a part of, scripture, or the Bible was what we always went to, whether we're bored, whether we're struggling in life, whatever the issue is, you go to the Bible. 

I reached a place in my life where that wasn't working. I grew up going to a private school that was religiously based. And so I got lots of Scripture from that, obviously, having gone to seminary, lots of Scripture. So it's not that I'm not familiar with Scripture, or I can't access it. But it just wasn't the way that I was finding God. And I found that I would find spiritual renewal or revival just walking in nature. And so I would sometimes go a year or two without actually reading a passage of scripture that wasn't for work. And so I think it led me to explore new spiritual practices. 

Kristina Kaiser  02:25

Yeah, I think even as we came into the beginning of our marriage, so actually, my husband, I, Dominic, we were so young. I was 19. And he was 21. And we were very much still being shaped. So I can relate with what you're saying. It was all of this trying to figure out how to be grownups. And in the midst of trying to figure out how to be grownups, we were trying to be really good spiritual people, too. So we had been taught, there were these little things, right? Like read your Bible for five minutes a day, at least. At least five minutes, everybody's got five minutes. And hold hands when you pray. 

And wanted to, right, because we wanted to be good spiritual people. And so we were trying all those things. And then we might fail for whatever reason. And we were feeling tons and tons and tons of guilt about it. We were fighting with each other, like: You should be better. No, you should be better! And just tried to work it all out...And what was more complicated is this notion of "read for five minutes a day," let's just take that one. Sometimes you would open it up, and you ended up at some passage with, like, a total bloodbath. Something that wasn't hitting the need for your now, that particular moment. 

And so there was this need to find something else. And actually, it took a long time to find it, because we went to college after we got married, and that became the primary focus. So it did take a while to find it. But I do relate with what you're saying.

Christina Roberts  03:49

I find it interesting, because I think no matter what faith tradition you grow up with, there seems to be these golden attributes of attaining a spiritual life. And so, I know, Kristina, you had mentioned reading the Bible. I think some traditions, it's, I would say, it's a triad of reading the Bible, prayer, and a bonus if you journal, and, like, extra credit if somehow it's in the morning, like that somehow, morning hours are holier than others.

Other faith traditions, it's attending mass or church or liturgy every single week and taking communion and observing some of the holy days and holidays in that sense. And so, I think, sometimes when we have those languages of those that maybe come from a faith tradition, and that was something that, in whatever formative period of our life, whether it's as a kid or in college or when we were kind of actively seeking, those can kind of become our things. And it seems like, you know, when we're trying to move past some of that, there's a resistance, I'm finding, in meeting with people in my own life of: Is that wrong of me? You know, obviously, these things are cornerstones and pillars. And so, whatever liturgy or church or mass has brought to me, all of a sudden, if it's not bringing that, what's wrong with me? And do I need to try harder or be less selfish or whatever? Or, you know, some of these different practices, I think it's almost to the point where we're embarrassed to admit it, or there's such a: Well, of course, this is the staple of what it means to really be actively deepening my walk with God. And so if I'm not doing that, does that mean that I'm now a shallow Christian?

Chris Roberts  05:32

I would even throw in, like, I think, music or, you know, some traditions call it "worship," is one of the main ways that you access these spiritual feelings. And, you know, I've had, as a musician, as someone who has led church music, I've had times in my life where I use these songs, I use different songs to, sort of, access a spiritual feeling with myself and with our community. And at times, it's like: Well, there is no spiritual life in those songs. And so I think, going back to when you're bored, or things aren't working, what do you do to find God in those places?

Christina Roberts  06:32

So Chris, I'm curious, what do you think it is that contributes to the fact that this song, at one point, you really were engaging with it, and then you no longer do? What are some insights? And and I know, Kristina, you're also a musician. So you may have some thoughts as well.

Chris Roberts  06:46

Well, I think language. I think we're always trying to figure out: Okay, we're saying this thing, but it seems pretty archaic to me. I'm actually having some sticking points. That doesn't work for me. Or, I'm finding that I have moved past that sort of theology or philosophy. And so, I think, growing in my ability to access, I think if the melody is great, it's a good song. Well, can I just change the lyric? (I know, some people are like: No! Don't change the lyric, that's unholy!) But, I just did that with a song that's a great song. It's upbeat. It's thankful. But there's just this one line in there that is, like, really?! That's more of a conversation than something that you would sing with a community of people. It's kind of a hard topic. And you're supposed to swallow that as a part of your faith experience. And so I'm fine with changing lyrics. I'm fine with making them accessible to me. So that's something that comes up for me.

Kristina Kaiser  08:09

Yeah, yeah. No, I totally changed lyrics. [laughing] For so many reasons. Sometimes, they're gender specific, and I want everybody to feel included, like they can identify. And it is interesting, I feel like, with songs in particular, there's just seasons sometimes. I might need this song because I'm legitimately sad. whereas, another time, I really need a positive thought. So they're gonna flip for these kinds of reasons. 

Others have felt...like if I take a decade at a time, they can feel timeless, right. So if I'm singing about waiting on God, that's a helpful reminder to my spirit, and I can really enjoy that song for a long period of time....Until another really good song with that same idea might come in. 

And I was a classical musician, right? So I sang opera and whatnot. But that music in particular is really a different purpose for me. It's just performance. And so, when I was in my early adulthood, music was very performance-oriented, not in the way that opera was. But with your body, you needed to to effervesce with your body in order to be on the worship team. And I had grown up in a more like, stand up, sit down, kneel, get up, turn around, sit back down. And so, this business of "using your arms" was a real challenge. And I was trying to develop that language to fit in and be a part of things. And then you started to hear all these people in that tradition start to say, "You know what, I need to come back to the C chord. I need to come back to just one much more simple and affect." And that was frustrating actually, because I was trying to be like them, and now I needed to, "Yes, yes. Back to the simple, the C chord, which is not opera at all." 

But there's seasons I think. And so that feels true in all of my worship practices.

Christina Roberts  10:09

Yeah. And I think, you know, one thing I appreciate about a contemplative approach to life is, you know, we talk about "noticing," "awareness," whichever word fits you, and really paying attention to: What is it about this particular practice that, Kristina, you mentioned the seasonality and maybe being able to stick with something for a long time until something fresh comes along? Or Chris, your idea of: There's something about this particular line that rubs me the wrong way? And what is it about that? And how do I sit with that awareness? 

And I don't hear you saying, "I'm never gonna sing this song again, or a song again. But there's something about this song that, all of this I can connect, I appreciate that. But this one particular line...to me, that's an important concept, but, I think, the context of that would be better in a conversation, maybe it's a theological conversation, that doesn't fit in a five minute song that we're singing." 

And so I think this idea of noticing and paying attention to our practices, and what is it about it that...and I think sometimes, I think what I'm hearing from both of you is, sometimes there's a micro adjustment that we can do to a practice, where, we can still engage with that, and it still does nourish our souls. And then I think sometimes, Chris, like you had mentioned, maybe taking a break from a particular practice, because, not only is it not nourishing our souls, like, maybe it's just: We're a little bit too saturated or full of that right now. And so to try to stuff more in there maybe isn't helpful and somehow taking a break from that and trying a different practice might be a little bit more helpful.

Chris Roberts  11:40

Or in your spirituality, it might even produce anger, or lead you down, which, could be a good path as well. Right? If you have dissonance with a certain practice, dissonance just means that you are seeking that, that you are thoughtful that you are wanting God. And so dissonance just means that you're you are ready to engage in a new way. And so I think that's important to notice as well.

Kristina Kaiser  12:07

And I think I'm also realizing, there's an intention, right? If we're sitting down to a practice, why am I there to do that thing? What purpose is it serving? So is the song, if we're using songs, serving to teach me a theology? Or am I trying to connect with God? Like, what is my purpose in this? And probably most of us don't really want to sing a song in order to connect with theology. So it's probably the challenge, but it's going to be true in all our spiritual practices is: What intention am I coming into this with?

Christina Roberts  12:49

Yeah, that's helpful, Kristina, because, I think, when I think about prayer as a practice, that is something that has been a constant my entire life is prayer. But definitely "the why of prayer," and, I think, from that, too, the "how" of prayer. And so, why am I sitting down to pray right now? Why am I not sitting down to pray? Because I don't want to sit; I want to be walking. And what is in it for me? Is prayer a way in which it's cathartic for me to just - I have a lot going on, and so I need to, somehow, get it out by walking and getting it out of my body, or by journaling it out, and somehow getting it from inside of me onto a piece of paper, or by verbalizing it, or whatever the different prayer practices? 

And of late, I've found that even wordy prayer, which we're going to be doing a podcast all about different types of prayer, isn't quite serving in the way that maybe just lighting a candle and having a vigil going throughout the day is more meaningful to me. So I think that's a really important piece that you mention of, again, going back to that contemplative lens of awareness. And sometimes, again, we're just noticing: Wow, when I do this, I'm bored. When I do this, there's anger coming up. When I do this, there's maybe a staleness or a dullness and noticing that and then sitting with, "okay, what does that mean?" And I'm not judging it; I'm just noticing it. 

And then sometimes the invitation is: Well, let's think about the "why." What was it that drew you to this practice in the first place? Was it because you were part of a college group and everybody else read their Bible and journaled and prayed? And you heard a teaching about that? And so to be considered "growing in your faith," it required these things. Or, I know, in some faith traditions, it's actually like, going out to evangelize and share the good news through different events that you're inviting somebody to. Or sharing a piece of paper that somehow talks about your faith. And people finding dissonance with that, but what's the heart behind that? Is there anything good of "sharing stories of what's going on in your life?" So I find that that awareness piece and maybe sitting with it to be helpful.

This is the part of our week where we want to just take a moment to share how we're engaging with the contemplative life and what's fresh for us.

Kristina Kaiser  15:02

So this week I am trying...well, so, okay...this is a another...it's still is in process, right? So yesterday I said, "I'm going to do a two-minute statio, so a two-minute pause where I physically stop one activity before I go to the next one. And this morning, I had also said to myself, when I started this, "I'm going to give myself the right to edit it," right, to change it a little. I actually think it's 30-second pause is more realistic because there's so many things that I'm going to stop and start. So two minutes is probably too long. My children are not gonna be able...there's four of them, for those of you who don't know. And they're ages 12 to 4, and so, two minutes is probably gonna feel weird to just the whole family system. But I can probably do 30 seconds. So right now, it's a 30-second statio between things. And I'm actually also contemplating bringing back the candle because I just feel calmer when I keep that light near me.

Chris Roberts  16:02

Yeah, contemplative practice. I don't know how contemplative this is, but I'm reading a series of books right now called the "Malazan Book of the Fallen." It's a fantasy genre. And I really am enjoying it, because the author, Steven Erikson, was a anthropologist for 30 years. And so he's writing in this fantasy series, all about our practices, whether it's religious practices, philosophical practices of empire. And so I'm really into this book, "The Malazan Book of the Fallen."

Christina Roberts  16:44

And I would say my entranceway into this, this week is actually just delighting in the framework of preschoolers. So I have a son who is preschool age, and I used to, at one point in my life, work with preschoolers. And to me that's such a magical age where everything is amazing, and you are saturated in whatever it is that you're learning. And so, in particular, we're learning the alphabet. And so there's songs about the alphabet, crafts about the alphabet, activities around the alphabet, everything alphabet related, and just this pure delight when you see the calendar, and you recognize: It's January, there's a J, that I learned about Jay in school, and I see that on the calendar! And everything that you're aware of, and building these foundational blocks in your life...And so I think I'm just really delighting in the "all in-ness" of preschoolers, and what I can learn from that beautiful, childlike stage that we have all gone through, but most of us have probably forgotten at this point. 

Well, thanks so much for joining us on the podcast today. If you would like some more information or you want to connect, we invite you to check out thecontemplativelife.net for more ways to do that. Have a great week. Bye, everybody.