Ep 84 What We Learn from Kids

It can be easy to get caught up in feeling like kids need things from us and that our job is to teach them. And this is true. But it’s also true that kids have the ability to teach us. Today we talk about what has surprised us and mesmerized us in our work with kids. We talk about how taking the time to provide space for them to move from their ordinary world into the special world of contemplation and beauty winds up offering us the exact same gift. Join us as we explore the invitation to let the lives of the younger generation touch our own.

Additional Resources:

Kids & Youth Retreat: Celebrating Each Other. Sunday, October 23, 2022

Book: I am an Emotional Creature by Eve Ensler

#Labyrinth
#Metaphor
#Self-Care
#Nature
#Storytelling
#Breathing
#Transformation
#Curiosity

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SUMMARY KEYWORDS

emotions, youth, kids, labyrinth, teens

Dominic Kaiser 00:06

Welcome to The Contemplative Life. Three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative lens.

I'm Christina Roberts.
I'm Chris Roberts.
I'm Kristina Kaiser. We're glad you joined us.

Christina Roberts 00:24

Hello, it's great to be with you. Today we are talking about contemplative practices for all ages, and specifically as it relates to children and teenagers. And so both Kristina Kaiser and Chris Roberts, separately, over the past couple of weeks have had opportunities to engage with young people around contemplative spirituality. And so I thought it would be fun to just say, what did you learn in those contexts? One was a retreat context. One was a service trip that Chris went on, and was offering some spiritual companioning alongside the teens. And so I'm curious, what are you noticing as we think about kids and teens and contemplative spirituality?

Kristina Kaiser 01:03

So I think one of the things that surprised me, we had a little kind of feedback time at the end of the retreat to say, hey, what was good about this for you? And one of the kids, and it felt so grown up to me, they said, I really enjoyed getting to hear other people's stories. I enjoyed getting to know people. And it feels so grown up, this notion of, I don't only like to share about myself, but I loved getting to hear about you, too, and learn about you. And I think it reminds me, sometimes we put children into this little box, like, Oh, you are simple and you are maybe in some other category. I need to speak one way to you. But there's so much richness inside of kids. So that was a big one for me that I took away recently.

Chris Roberts 01:53

Yeah, I think, number one, it was a great experience. I think, always having the opportunity to be around young people could be invigorating, it could be a learning experience. And so number one, I think I'm just very appreciative for the experience that I had with the young people. And I think one of the things that I learned, I agree with you, Kristina, I think, do not underestimate the ability for young people to be deep. I think that's a takeaway that I have as well. I think another takeaway I have is a value for the long game, right? We can have some of these experiences with young people and we want things to happen in a microwave type of way, rather than in a crock pot, sort of way, letting things simmer and rise to the surface. I learned an appreciation for my interaction with young people, not to expect results right away. That it might take a couple of days. I'm going along thinking, Oh, we're onto something new. And then they say, Hey, I just wanted to ask you about that one thing that you said a couple of days ago. Sometimes it just takes a while to percolate.

And what comes to mind for me is doing my spiritual direction training, one of the things that we did was we put all these emotions out on the ground like these puzzle pieces, and something like 150 different emotions. And one of the things that they touched on was that in general, it takes people a while to identify an emotion. And I think they were picking on men, in general terms, not specific to any individuals. And they said some people may identify emotions sooner, but one of the things they said is that sometimes it takes men two days to identify an emotion that they're having. And I think that that was true for me and in young people. I think sometimes it's hard to name these emotions that come up in experiences. One of the things that we were doing was we were picking up trash and we were serving homeless people meals, and obviously, emotions are going to come forward from doing this type of work. Refugee resettlement, painting houses, and emotions are going to come up from that. So being in the long game. Waiting for this to unfold I think is something that I have come to value. It was my experience recently.

Christina Roberts 05:03

I think that's important. And our 12-year-old recently had an experience where it was her first time doing a labyrinth. And for those who maybe aren't familiar with the labyrinth, it's this beautiful sort of design where you're walking this path to go towards the center. It's a very slow cyclical path. And there's different designs of a labyrinth, but when you're walking the labyrinth, it zigs and zags, and zigs and zags, it's not a straight line to get to the center. And oftentimes, as you are doing that last Zig before you get to the center, it's the furthest point away from the center. And yet, once you turn the corner, you're right there. And sometimes it can be surprising. And what you're saying, Chris, I do think that's important with young people, oftentimes with us and our perspective in life. And you know, we have some experience, maybe we see things differently. And it could seem like a big Zig, but in their story, it's the Zag that gets them right to where they need to be to draw closer to God or themselves or self awareness. And so I really appreciated just hearing my daughter's experience with the labyrinth and what that's like in the mind of a 12-year-old. And I think eager to see this become maybe something that she does on a semi regular basis. And as she's growing older into her teen years, how can the labyrinth serve as this reflective space for her?

Kristina Kaiser 06:18

Yeah, what is the metaphor here? What is the story? I often realize that there's a little bit of how to interpret what's happening to me? There's so much going on, and the stories that we experienced throughout Scripture, the ways in which things can speak to us, trying to figure out what we need. There's this whole need to interpret, do I feel the presence of the Divine in my body? Do I experience it? And my outer world? What does all of this mean? How would I even know? It becomes this huge subject for dialogue and trying things and living life. I like your analogy of it's a crock pot, you kind of got to sit in it for a minute and see, does that work? Does that feel true? Or did that kind of fall flat for me? Then there's the whole, it could be different on a different day. So I do appreciate that kind of helping people see in metaphor a little bit.

Chris Roberts 07:24

I think one of the other things that I'm aware of is providing space for young people to disengage from their normal world is so important for them. Like all of us, I think adults, they go on silent retreats, or a day away or spa time, whatever it is. We have these self care things that we do. And I think providing space for kids and teens to where they can maybe go out in nature or put themselves in a different setting. I just found it to be so important for them. They have their phones, of course, that got to take photos, but there were obvious times where that was put away, and how the true self emerges. Whenever they put that stuff away. You know, it was transformational for me to watch. And also, very transformational for them as well. And so it gave me a desire to participate with young people in that way, whether it's leading outings where we go out into nature or something like that, to where I can provide space for them to exit their normal world and enter into a special world of nature, contemplation, beauty.

Christina Roberts 09:03

I think that's important, because often when we are thinking about time away from our phone or from technology, that doesn't sound appealing. It sounds boring, or agitating, or whatever. But I think when we do provide those spaces, and as you are noting, there is that natural curiosity that emerges, whether it's through nature time, or art time, or whatever. And something that we've been doing at the center is having some different opportunities for kids and teens to do exactly what you're talking about, with nature adventures and things like that. And it's amazing what emerges. Wow, this pine cone that's in my hand, I'm feeling it. It's prickly. Look at that bark on the tree. Let's stop and notice these practices that we're doing, I think can foster a natural curiosity that kids have. And I think the hope that we have at the center is that we are fostering something where kids understand that God is beyond one particular format. There are different ways that we can connect with the Divine. And I love what both of you were saying, sort of lifting up these different opportunities where, yes, this is a valid way. And if you're sensing peace inside of your heart or a joy or compassion, helping to bring language around some of the things that we're sensing in our younger years where maybe we don't have the vocabulary. Chris, the 100 and something emotions that you're talking about, what important spaces where we can help to develop the language and the emotional intelligence and awareness that's so intricately part of our spirituality.

Kristina Kaiser 10:32

Yeah, I really appreciate all of this. There's that interpretation aspect of our lives. And then there's that getting into the present moment space and really savoring it and being present to it. Two of our kids had the same fourth grade teacher and she had these smell jars in the classroom. So if you were in the middle of a test, or a worksheet or something, and it was difficult, and you were getting kind of scared, nervous, frustrated, you could get up at any time, and they all smell differently. So maybe you just discovered that you had a certain smell that you really like as opposed to another. I am not that fancy. I have no smell jars, but our kids do have various techniques. And I think it's helpful.

In the retreat that we did, we offered kids the opportunity to talk about, do you know of anything that helps you when you're feeling upset, irritated, sad, these types of things? We allowed each of them to share and some kids can be kind of funny, they'll be like, I feel angry and so I fart. Fine…you got something out. So you can actually even use that. But I have one child that is so good at breathing that she does it unprompted. She learned it and you will see her take that cleansing breath, you will see her coach others into finding that space. And it amazes me like it mesmerizes me. And I think that storytelling is very strong in her as well. We've sometimes had a kind of ritual around the table of like, your highs and your lows, and she loves it. She often instigates it, what's been the best part of your day. She wants to know. And I think that storytelling helps us solidify and commemorate and remember. Like in Scripture, they build altars. We don't necessarily have an altar, but the storytelling allows us to have that thing. So it doesn't just fly away, we don't just forget it.

Chris Roberts 12:45

I think one of the things that I'm struck by is the invitation that is being presented to be with young people. And just to note that a lot of people don't have kids or grandkids or they're around kids. And I hear a clear invitation to somehow let the lives of this younger generation that is emerging to somehow touch your own life. I was listening to an adult talk recently, and he was somewhat facetious. We should all just let teens and put them in one location, and let them destroy one another and whatever emerges. And that was his attitude. They're troublesome. They're bothersome, they're annoying, they're louder. They're all these things that yes, teenagers can be. But I think having entered into the conversation with my teen is my greatest teacher. And that's something that I put forward, and how it's changing my life, how my teens are changing my life is something that I brought to the conversation. And like, you can either say, Well, you know, screw you, I don't really care to have that happen. Or you can allow my story to touch your life. And we're all going to have some sort of engagement with teens, kids in one way. And one can be, you know, you're apathetic, you don't care. And I think that's the more dangerous path, or you can be angry because they, they frustrate you. If you're angry, at least there's some emotion, there's some engagement, or you can be passionate. Yes, young people. And so, I think that's one thing that I'm noticing in our conversation that I just want to lift up.

Christina Roberts 14:52

I agree. You talked about this earlier, about not underestimating the depth of our young people. I know in my own life that I had people in my life that really created space for me, whether it was mentoring or whatnot, and recognizing, okay, there's something in you. And it doesn't matter that you're 15. Your chronological age has nothing to do with it. There is something of God in you. And let's create some space where that can grow and foster. And I think even in the Bible, we see many examples of young people who had these experiences with God. And maybe because they were young and untainted, and maybe a little bit more open minded. And in my opinion, I think that's even more ripe. And I think we're so much more ready and receptive in our younger years. And it takes probably even more practice and intentionality, the older that we get, and we're set in our ways and our opinions and things like that. And so I really appreciate those that champion young people, those that have done it in my life, and hopefully creating that space for others as well.

Kristina Kaiser 15:54

And just uplifting again, that notion of the emotions and helping with them, I mean, teens can have a ton of emotion they're working on, holding them in check in certain moments. Then they can be really strong in others. And I was so helped, because I know, some teens with some pretty strong emotions. And I have lived a life of repressing my emotions. And so I was working through my own struggle with sitting in the middle of very tornado-like experiences and just noticing like, I have about 10 minutes in me, and then I start to feel this urge to try to give the platitudes or move somebody on as opposed to letting them just sit in it. And this friend of mine, she found this poem, it is written by the woman who wrote The Vagina Monologues, so I can't quite remember her name right now. But it was this whole thing about me being an emotional being, and that is okay. And so I think there is this kind of spiritual practice, on my end, to sit with the uncomfortability of this is my child's emotions, or this person has emotion, because the alternative to that is stifled. I can't get it out. It's making me sick in my body, but it's just offering this long term health. How am I going to deal with these emotions? So just to kind of really uplift that part of the conversation. It's not nothing.

Christina Roberts 17:23

And I'm hearing many comments today, just again, that's spaciousness and the long game, I think it's what we call it, and really being in it for that. And I think too, we're talking about processing emotions. And, again, I think our young people, when they are excited about something or passionate, like you mentioned, they're go-getters, they're activists, they are doing things that are examples and motivating for the rest of us. And young people have the gift of time on their side. They don't have all the responsibilities and the bills, and the jobs and all of that. There is a little bit more luxury and leisure and a slower pace. And I think if we can encourage that…we had a podcast episode a few times ago about play and how, as adults, we have to remind ourselves, how do we play? What excites us, and what are our hobbies? That's not the case. Kids are excited to wake up in the morning and play. And, again, if we can let them be our teachers and to learn from them. I think that's a beautiful invitation.

Chris Roberts 18:19

And I think also, as we talked about kids and the beauty of kids, I'm just reminded of all the teachers out there that somehow feel called to work with kids. And they're leaving the institution of education at a rapid rate. And so, I think my heart goes out to teachers who have felt a calling, but the institution has failed them. And my hope is that the new institutions that emerge, that grow out of this shattered mess that we're experiencing now will hold more spiritual space for young people. And so I think that that is definitely one of my hopes, as we have this conversation.

Christina Roberts 19:13

Well, if you aren't listening to this in real time, we want to point your attention towards a retreat that we will be hosting in Madison, Wisconsin, specifically for kids and teens. I think we've noticed that many spiritual centers often focus on adults and their formation. And we thought, You know what, this next year, we want to make some intentional space for really creating opportunities for kids and teenagers to experience contemplative practices in a way that's engaging for them. And so we invite you to check out foundrysc.com for information on that retreat. Then ongoing please check that out regularly, because we are hopefully going to be offering much more in the coming months and years for our kids and young people. So thank you so much for this conversation, and we look forward to learning more around this topic.

Christina Roberts 20:07

Well, this is the time in our podcast where we talk about what we are into this week. So what are we into friends?

Kristina Kaiser 20:12

So my current love, and I think this has probably been true throughout the summer. But now it's becoming increasingly precious because summer will soon morphed into times that are too cold. But the gentle breezes that offer the need for a soft blanket while sitting on the sun porch is just divine. And I have super enjoyed sitting under my blanket, and commenting and noticing and taking in the gentle breeze. And then as the sun goes down, the trees become this like stately thing in the background that looks over us and is this beautiful Guardian, and it's just the whole experience. It's like a little sanctuary.

Chris Roberts 20:56

Well, speaking of being with teens and kids, one of the things that we've been into is closing down the pool. We've been going to the pool, sort of in the late afternoon, and our youngest is just like a fish. And so he's really soaking up the pool experience this year, and growing in his swimming abilities. And one of the things that we love to do is say, are we going to close? We're going to close the pool down. And so we've been doing that recently, and it's just been divine.

Christina Roberts 21:35

It has been fun. Yes. Well, I have a new appreciation for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. That is what I am into this week. And the same child who was a fish. Everyday, all day, his favorite food is PBJ. And at one point, I was like, Oh my gosh, again. But then the other day I was making a PBJ. And I thought you know what, this is actually an amazing food choice for you. We have this delicious multigrain bread and we'll switch that up. We have our typical peanut butter. We've been doing some nut butters lately with different flaxseed and all the stuff. The jams, we do all the fruit jams. And so we have to go to a different grocery store that sells the one without the sugar. And there's all these fun flavors, there's apricot, raspberry, blackberry, all the things and so I'm like actually, this is an amazing food choice. There's variety. There's all the protein, grains, nutrition, so I have a new appreciation for PB and J sandwiches.

Well, thank you so much for joining us today. We look forward to next time. Make it a great week.

Dominic Kaiser 22:34

Thanks for joining us today. If you enjoyed listening to the podcast, we invite you to stay connected by signing up for our foundry spiritual center newsletter where you can learn about even more programs and offerings. You'll find a link to subscribe in the show notes or visit us anytime at Foundrysc.com. Thanks again for being with us. We hope you have a great week.

The Contemplative Life

Ep 84 What We Learn from Kids

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