Ep 76 Calming the Nervous System

Today we’re talking about how contemplative practices can help us when our bodies and nervous systems are feeling unsettled due to stress or trauma. Many of us have heard about the body’s ability to access fight, flight, or freeze at the turn of a dime. When that happens, the thing that we most need is Fawn – the chance to shake off the aftermath of whatever caused us to feel dysregulated in the first place. Join us as we talk about ways to process, calm, and shake off the triggers, stresses, and traumas we encounter.  

 #FightFlightFreezeFawn
#ThisIsUs
#PanicAttacks
#CoRegulation 

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Transcript

 SUMMARY KEYWORDS
Body, regulation, panic attack, nervous system, 

Dominic Kaiser  00:06

Welcome to The Contemplative Life: Three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative lens.

I'm Christina Roberts.
I'm Chris Roberts.
I'm Kristina Kaiser. We're glad you joined us.  

Hello, it's great to be with you. Today, we are taking some time to talk about how contemplative practices can help us when our bodies are feeling kind of unsettled.  When our nervous systems are just not feeling quite regulated. And so to explain, and kind of give an example of what I'm talking about, I thought I might kick us off with just a few months ago it was the eve of New Year's Eve.  We had been up late, we're doing all kinds of fun things. But you know, it’s already late, so time for bed. And as I'm headed off, I realize based on my email that there's some suspicious activity. I think somebody's making purchases with our credit card and using our email address. So I instantly start to feel very, very nervous. And we start to do all the things that we need to do in order to lock everything down and get everything secure. Even though it's very late at night.  We'd rather go to bed but don't want to leave it till morning.  Maybe it will get worse overnight. So we're doing all the work. And as we're doing all the work, this weird thing happens. I start to feel very cold. It's December 30 so it's normal to feel cold when it's winter time, but so cold that I'm shivering. And my teeth are chattering. And I'm trying to warm up and get under the covers more.  As we finish all of our stuff, we turn out the lights and under the covers. So I should be getting better. And I should be getting warm and my body should stop shaking. But it's not. It keeps chattering and I am snuggling up as much as I can, and trying to breathe and trying to do all these things to calm down. But it was super frustrating because I could not control it. And it was adding to it that I can't control the outside forces.  I can't control the inside forces. Everything's so messed up. And as it turns out, this is very normal in our bodies. When we move into stages of fight, flight, or freeze because of that feeling of threat. These are various things that can happen to us. And so rather than feel shame, or anger or frustration, it's easier if we can just accept that this is how the body reacts. And sometimes this happens positively, like I had a feeling. And then that thing happened. And we call that intuition. We love intuition. But when it's happening negatively, we feel more inclined to call it dysregulation, right? My body's not regulated properly. And this is where I found the contemplative to be helpful. Because as I can employ those contemplative practices, I can come back to that place of feeling safe and connected. And maybe my body learns this, the more that I do it, this type of a thing. So as we kick it off, in the spirit of normalizing the work of our nervous systems, do you guys resonate? Have you had these experiences? Are there ways that you have experienced unrest? Or dis-ease? Have you witnessed this? Tell me your story. 

Christina Roberts  03:26

Interestingly, I have recently heard and I’m certainly familiar with the fight, flight or freeze, but the new term of fawn. And the example that the speaker gave was we often use deer when we're talking about the fight, fight or freeze. But when the deer, after the predator has left, the deer shakes because there's all the adrenaline that was in that protective mode for the deer. And so there's the shaking period where all of it has to release from the body and the speaker describes that as fawning. And I thought, Wow, that's a really interesting addition to that fight, flight or freeze that you're naming. Because there is whatever it is in that moment that we have to do to deal with the threat to us. There's that aftermath that then we have to process through. And so I have found that to be helpful to name the “in the moment thing”, but then there's after waves or aftershocks or whatever you would like to call that in processing that. So that's something that comes up for me as you're naming this. 

Chris Roberts  04:23

Yes, the story goes along with that. We were driving from downtown recently, and there was a basketball game and I had a carload of kids. And we're driving home and someone tries to step out in the middle of the street. And of course, I'm a courteous driver, and I wait for the pedestrian to cross. But he steps out into the street and then he makes a beeline for our car. And so my instinct is to put on the gas and so before he gets in the car. I am  burning rubber. But he did grab a hold of the door handle, and he's trying to open the door and running alongside the car. And finally, we get up to 30 miles an hour and he ends up flipping and rolling. And my instinct is to get out of the car. And my kids and everyone else are like, What are you doing? 

I got out to check if he's okay, because he did get hurt. I don't, I don't know why this individual decided to try to get in our car while it was moving. But the aftermath lasted for days.  I had the response of gratitude, thank you that I was able to in the moment, put on the gas and not let him get in our car. Well, gratitude helped me but my children and their friends, this lasted for days and days.  They were just nervous and locking the doors. And they were staying up late into the night. And they were building all these scenarios. How could I have done it? What should I have done? You know, should I have opened the door and pushed him? They're building these worlds out of this, the circumstances of how to respond correctly. And so it's like fight, flight or freeze, we all have different responses. And I think that's the most current example that comes up for me, and how we can respond, how our bodies respond to this is a traumatic event. And it doesn't have to be that traumatic to get us in touch with our nervous system and how it responds. But that's what comes up for me.

Kristina Kaiser  06:58

That is a traumatic, dramatic event. Oh, my goodness, I am with you. And that story, just hearing it. And I think what you're bringing up with that whole question mark of what could we have done differently? Should I have done this? That's exactly that thing that happens after the fact. Because in the moment, the body might be frozen, right? Well, one person is in action. And then I'm also thinking about that whole day later, it reminds me of eyes darting, kind of a feeling like the body's just not regulated, it's not dealing. It's trying to figure out where to go, and how to get back to a sense of safety. How do I feel safe again, which happens in all kinds of scenarios, but that one certainly a very poignant one.

Christina Roberts  07:50

Yeah and I think that there's different ways in which we can regulate it. And again, some of the things, for example, maybe I am having lunch with somebody.  They share a really hard story, something that's going on in their life that they're experiencing and I take that in.  Then as I go about my day, I have to process through that and let that go. I'm present to the person at lunch, but then afterwards, I don't want to take that into the rest of my day with me.  And particularly at nighttime, if I'm not sleeping well, it's often because I haven't had a chance to unwind and undo some of the stories of the day, or some of my experiences. I think the example you gave Chris is sometimes when something's really dramatic like that, it maybe takes a few days or different ways. Maybe there's the initial regulation of getting back to a sense of safety, we're okay, etc. But then afterwards, it's like, wow, like that gratitude goes into, you realize this could have been a lot worse. And maybe we go back into that fear state with a predator, even though the predators are not there, we still have those feelings that are emerging for us.  Maybe have to walk through that as a second or third time. And so I think even with this regulation that we're naming today, sometimes it can maybe happen in a gap.  I can regulate it and bring closure to this and sometimes maybe it takes repetitive regulation to get to that place of safety and connection.

Chris Roberts  09:07

I think it's worth mentioning that sometimes our bodies just shut down. I've had the joy of being with people who have had panic attacks. And the only thing that you can really do is sort of just be with them in it. You can't really say, “You know, if you breathe or if you think different thoughts”. Sometimes it happens. I am having an anxiety attack, I'm having a panic attack, this is what my body is doing. And now, after the fact, you can say Okay, what circumstances are happening in my life to cause this?  I think a great example of this is one of our favorite programs is This Is Us. And one of my favorite actors would often have panic attacks. And they did a great job of showing the reasons why. And it's just people sitting in the same space with them in a non judgmental way of being with them, that is somehow calming to individuals who are experiencing these things in their body. And I think the past couple of years, I mean, it has been incredibly difficult on our young people in particular.  I've talked to a lot of parents and their kids are in hospitals getting help or they're entering into therapy, all these good things.  Things that are good for people to process all that's been going on. And I think the contemplative is so helpful. Because number one, you get to just sit with people and what is going on in their lives. And number two, you get to help them name, okay, my panic attack is happening because these are linked to what is going on.  My body is telling me that something is happening. And I am learning to discover why it is reacting that way. So I think the contemplative is super, super helpful in helping us name some of what's going on with our nervous system.

Christina Roberts  11:31

And even maybe a less dramatic situation where my six-year-old is outside playing and gets hurt. Immediately the child runs in crying, and it's like the magic of the mother's kiss.  Let me kiss your ouchy and make it better. And then the tears dry up, and then they go back outside to play. And so there's nothing magic, but there's something about I see your ouchie. I am kissing you. There is no medical or first aid that I'm doing but then that child was okay. And they can calm down. And so I think even the simpleness of I am with you in this, even if it's a hug or a kiss to send you on your way really matters.

Kristina Kaiser  12:05

It's true. Because sometimes our brain or body has told us we're in more danger than we are. And so having somebody, I've certainly had this with kids too, right? They're very upset. They just fell down. And then sometimes that and then it's the other way too. Sometimes they're totally fine until they realize there's blood and Oh, no. But sometimes it's just helping them realize there's no blood, you're okay. Now, as a grownup I can get triggered. Somebody says something. And it somehow makes you think like, maybe this is going to wreck my life, maybe gonna ruin everything. It's going to alter my day or my plan. And so the body gets all crazy. When I first started contemplative practices, I thought I would never have a negative experience, once I got good at this.   I thought I would always stay calm, and I would never be anxious. Just it would be a totally different me. And then that was not true. And COVID definitely helped to play a role in that as you say. But all the fears definitely had me in this feeling of like, somebody could die, we could all die, oh my gosh. And it helped me for someone to just be really specific with me about saying that contemplative is not so you don't have negative feelings.  The contemplative is so that you can acknowledge those feelings, and walk through them back towards safety again. It will pass.  You won't stay feeling this way. Even as Chris points out, even if it takes a few days, you won't stay feeling this way.  This emotion has a bell curve, and it's going to go up and it's going to go down. It can be hard to feel like it's going to go down when you're in the middle of it.

Christina Roberts  14:04

Yeah. And I think there's our own experience, and then second hand that we receive from others. And so going back to my example earlier, when I hear a story and take that in, I have certain rituals that I do. So sometimes I might take a walk because it moves my body, it's like I can release the stress of that conversation that I just had and somehow work it out of my body. At the end of the day, I like to take showers at night. And there's something to me about a hot shower at night where I'm just like transitioning and all the cares of the day and all the things I took in are kind of washed away.   Then I'm entering into a new space of calm and rest and restoration. And then there are some times when those stories stick with me and I think I'm learning this as a spiritual director, people that are maybe therapists, counselors and helping professions. A newer practice for me is supervision and peer supervision.  These different practices are confidential. You don't disclose names or things like that, but with a group of trusted peers or if you have a one-on-one relationship where it's like, I sat with someone, and this story is staying with me. What is it in me that is not working out or being triggered?  To be able to have that space to process that on a deeper level to work it out of my body. And again, noticing, maybe I'm feeling the tension or the bad sleep or things like that is a sign that I need to process this a little bit deeper. And so I think, for me having some of these rituals in place, and then the bigger rituals in place when something's really heavy that I can go to these trusted sources to work throughout on a deeper level.

Kristina Kaiser  15:33

Yeah, it feels like what you're describing is the thing that you started with earlier.  We need a way, in a way the animal was shaking off the trauma that we're looking for the way that's gonna work for us. To first acknowledge it and name it, and then to be able to step out of it in some kind of a way. It's kind of funny to think of it that way. But it is true, how does it slide out? And so, do I need a moment? Or do I need a friend? What do I need right now? Can we pay attention to our bodies, and give those bodies what they need?

Chris Roberts  16:11

Yeah, Forrest Gump just went on a long run.  He experienced something, he didn't know how to put words to it. So he just went on a two-year run.  I feel stress in my body and it gets stiff. And I feel like stretching would be helping or exercising my muscles in my legs.  And so that's where I carry it. And so exercising those muscles, just working them is a way for me to release some of the nervous energy that I have.

Christina Roberts  16:47

Kristina, before we recorded, you had introduced a term for me that I wasn't familiar with.  This idea of co-regulation, and that we don't have to regulate alone.  Co-regulation and being with others, being human, having those people around us that's actually co regulation. And that's something that we need as part of our lives.  Maybe it is working it out alone or walking those sorts of things. But there's something beautiful about that co-regulation that you're naming as well.

Kristina Kaiser  17:10

Yeah. So these are big topics. And again, I really want to make sure as we close out today that we just take a moment to say it's completely normal that our bodies do this. And we shouldn't feel shame, right? It's just having ways to work it out. Whether it's alone, as you're saying, or in relationship with others, this co-regulation aspect. Thank you both for having this conversation.

Kristina Kaiser  17:43

And now is the time where we take a moment to talk about what we are into. So what are we into today?

Christina Roberts  17:51

I am into summer sandals. So I love when the weather turns and I can wear sandals that are super comfortable to walk in.  I have my fashionable sandals, I have flip flops for when I'm swimming or at the beach. And so I recently got a new pair of Columbia sandals that are walking sandals and super comfortable, super fun. And I am into sandals.

Kristina Kaiser  18:12

I think that there's a little window seat in our house. And last year, we didn't have the little pad to actually sit in it because it had gotten very wet when we first moved in. We needed to clean it. And so we finally did. And sometimes I will sit there for my prayer times or meditations and there's like little birds that hang out in the tree. And it has really been a delight. So that is what I'm into.

Chris Roberts  18:40

Well, I don't know that I'm intentionally into this, but it's just sort of happened. I have been running errands and doing certain projects, and I've been running into people. And I've been diving deep quickly with people.  Their stories are coming out. And I'm thinking this five-minute project actually turns into like an hour because I asked somebody a question about, oh, did you celebrate the worldwide labyrinth today? No, I'm just I'm just doing the weeds here. But thank you for telling me I'll look for it on my calendar next year.   These conversations that I've been getting into so I've been trying to make space for more conversations when I'm out and about people telling me their stories. And so I guess I'm into making space for long conversations when I'm out and about. 

Kristina Kaiser  19:39

 If I know you that sounds absolutely right. 

Well thank you all for being with us today. If you would like to stay connected we invite you to join in on our newsletter that comes out twice a month.  To subscribe you can go right to the front page of our website thecontemplativelife.net. Thanks so much for being with us. We'll see you again soon.