Ep 71 Stress

Stress is an unavoidable part of our lives. And fortunately, there’s a certain kind of stress that’s really good for us! But when we find ourselves in distress, the question becomes, “What resources do we already have – and what resources do we still need – to carry us through this moment?” Join for a conversation about our mind-body responses to the external pressures and challenges we face.  

Additional Resources
Author: Megan Hyatt Miller
Book: Thrive by Dan Buettner
Shoe: Altra Lone Peak 6 

#Noticing
#MentalHealth
#Community
#SpiritualDirection 

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Transcript

SUMMARY KEYWORDS
Stress, pandemic, experience 

Dominic Kaiser  00:0600:06

Welcome to The Contemplative Life: Three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative lens. 

I'm Christina Roberts.
I'm Chris Roberts.
I'm Kristina Kaiser.  We're glad you joined us. 

Christina Roberts  00:23

Hello, it is great to be with you. Today we are talking about stress. I think that's something that we can all relate to. Because stress is unavoidable. We're just at some point in our lives, you're going to face stressful situations. So we thought it might be helpful to talk about today. And I thought I would start with a really helpful definition of stress that I heard from Megan Hyatt Miller. And she talked about that stress, in her opinion, is the gap between the internal resources that we think we have, and the external challenges that we face. And so the gap of what do we have to bring to the table? And what life is demanding of us? And I really liked that definition. Because in that definition, again, there's always going to be what we think we have, what life is asking of us, and how do we bridge that gap to meet what life's demands are? And in that particular working out of stress, I think sometimes it's helpful as we're thinking about that gap to really identify, Okay, what exactly is the stress that I'm experiencing right now?  I think most of us even when I say the word stress, like when introducing the topic of the podcast, an image probably came to our minds of what stress looks like.  Maybe it's because I'm late for a meeting and I'm rushing out the door, and I'm having this flustered feeling of stress, or there's something that I can't find them looking for and I feel stressed about that. Or I'm going to the grocery store, and the prices are higher, and I have some financial stress that I'm working through. Whatever it is, whether it's in our mental minds, our physical bodies, we experience these sensations. Sometimes I think too, that gap in our mind can actually be wider than it is in reality. And so I think sometimes just being able to name, Okay, this is my stress. And as I'm really unpacking my stress, that gap actually is less.  I do have the internal resources that I don't think I have. But actually when I dig a little deeper, I do have those to meet the external demands. So I thought we could talk today about stress, and maybe how “the contemplative life” has helped us on our journeys with stress. 

Chris Roberts  02:24

It’s interesting that you invited us to have an image in our mind or you said an image probably popped up in your mind when I mentioned the word stress. And I think for me, personally, I had an image that was very readily accessible. And you know, when I was in high school, I did metalworking. My dad was a welder and he taught me how to do metalworking.  I had to do some metal work for some competitions and one of the things that we had to do was to heat up metal. And we had to bend it, and then we had to cool it. And then we had to heat it up again. And then we had to cool it. And just that whole process, like the stress that went into the metal.  I think that image comes to my mind, as I think about stress. It's like the heating up process. And then the tools that we need, you talking about internally things that can help us with stress, and that cooldown process, and how that makes us stronger.  However we deal with stress, these things that happen in our life, they temper us.  They are situations, they're events in our life, that either make us stronger or they break us. And so that's the image that comes to my mind as I think about stress. 

Kristina Kaiser  03:48

I appreciate how you're pulling out that sometimes we don't think we have what we need. And then maybe we have a little bit more. It reminds me, our childhood, how we came to be parents .  One day, we had a five-year-old, right? We had raised one child for a long time. And then the next day, we had a five-year-old, a four-year-old and a 13-month-old. And so it just didn't happen the way it normally happens, right? There wasn't all that getting used to it. And it really felt like a long time, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be present to this many needs at one time, which is really the reality. And then I was thinking of that just this morning because we have a child going in for some medical stuff tomorrow. And I woke up very suddenly this morning. It turned out it was only 5:30 but I had seen light in the window while I was sleeping and I thought I missed it.  I've somehow overslept. And then it turns out, it's just the seasons changing. It's just lighter out earlier now. But then I realized my stomach was sick, right? Like I feel nervous because she's got a lot of stuff going on. And there's a lot on my plate to be present to in order for her to have those things. So I've just been noticing how this looks, noticing a contemplative act, first of all the right to name it and be aware of it is a really big deal. And then processing, how am I managing? So for one, we've been planning.  I've made menus, and I've pre-made Jello and things that need to be available for an all liquid diet for a day. And I keep exhaling, I keep breathing, these types of things. But also laughing, there is this crazy thing happening, and then not holding it with complete and utter seriousness, to really let it out in a different way. So just kind of noticing what are the different ways that I'm getting through this moment, because it's going to pass.

Christina Roberts  05:56

And I think it's important to acknowledge I'm hearing from both of you that there's different types of stress. There's the stress that bends metal in metalworking, there's the stress that you're aware of, and how do you prepare for that. And it's interesting, because psychologists actually have two different terms for stress. So one is called distress. It's destructive, we feel it in our body, it affects our relationships. And I think that's what we typically think of what stress is that distress that happens to us. But there's also eustress, EU-stress, which actually makes us resilient. It makes us able to handle more in the future, it's a good type of stress, it's a needed stress in our lives. Too much of that can cause distress, but some of that in that gap that we're naming is good, because it does build that resilience in us when we have that eustress. And so, a great example is when you're working out and you have to put some stress on the muscles in order to break it down and build it back up again, Chris, you kind of name the heating down and the cooling off. And I think even Kristina to your point, we adopted our first two children, and then we had a biological son, and he had some medical things. And in the hospital, they assumed that this was my first child because it was my first birth experience. And I was pretty calm about what was going on. And so the nurses in the room and there was a doctor, they're like, Are you a doctor? And I said, No, I'm not a doctor. And they said, Wow, you're really calm for a first parent, usually parents are blaming themselves and think that they did something wrong. And I was like, oh, no, this is my third. And so that stress, that resiliency had built up in me in that particular situation. So I think it's interesting, those different types of stress that we're naming today.

Kristina Kaiser  07:33

Yeah, I think sometimes I really thrive on a busy schedule. A busy schedule is a form of stress in a way, but it gives me this: Yes, let's do it. Right, this is challenging. Whereas if the schedule is very spacious, I kind of slow down very much like molasses. So I thrive on a schedule that's just busy enough, which is sort of like the workout. By the way, my ab workout this morning is a perfect example of eustress. So yeah, there are aspects of stress that people thrive on. And we can often name them for ourselves even.

Chris Roberts  08:15

I appreciate you naming the two different types of stresses that we might have and particularly the destructive stress.  I think there are a lot of people that have that destructive stress in their lives.  I was recently talking about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the first two steps are admitting that you're powerless, that your life has become unmanageable. And then the second step is, you came to believe that there is a power that's greater than you at work in your life. I think that the contemplative and stress, coming to believe that there is a power greater than you at work in your life. And you're reflecting on that. I think that that can be super helpful for managing or maybe going through that destructive stress that we're talking about. And so I really appreciate you naming that. And the different ways that we experience stress in our lives.

Christina Roberts  09:17

Yeah. And I think there's an invitation sometimes to let go and to release some of that distress. And then there's sometimes invitations to invite. So the stress of a new situation, it's stressful, but we know that we're going to be better for it. Maybe going into a new class that we are a little apprehensive about or a new social situation. And there's something about it that challenges us. Whereas if we just have a flatline life, that does seem pretty boring and redundant, and I don't think that we were designed for that. So I think it's important to have that texture in our lives.

Kristina Kaiser  09:46

And then there's the struggles right? Not too long ago, I found just the stress of COVID and trying to travel during covid, having too many unknowns, it became too much for me. And so in that moment, I felt like suddenly, I needed the support of others. Like I needed a counselor and a spiritual director, like I just needed people. And honestly, the meaningfulness of somebody, because I just felt broken for a minute. And for somebody just to say, you're doing a good job. And a little part of me thought, we just met.  But the other part of me really needed a little bit of that kind of credo, You're doing it, you're doing the thing. That was super healing. So just to share and have somebody listen compassionately. If I would have only ever had that one session, that would have done so much.  Of course, we had more than that, but that was a very meaningful, first moment.

Christina Roberts  10:54

And that's important to highlight sometimes that gap, we do have more than we think, internally, and sometimes we don't. And so that means that's an invitation to then go get the counseling and the therapist and the spiritual direction. So I appreciate what you're saying that there is an awareness of that gap. And what do I need? What source is going to be helping me in that gap to close that gap in my life?

Chris Roberts  11:12

I appreciate you saying that we need community because you named the pandemic. And I think a lot of individuals are probably thinking, this is rough. I don't know if anybody is experiencing this the way that I am. And so to some degree, we're isolated from our feelings. And we're isolated, we don't know how other people are taking the pandemic or how they're doing in life. I think we're just trying to grit our teeth, bear it and get through it. But we know that mental health is at an all-time high, we're in another state of crisis. And therapists, spiritual directors, high demand jobs, because people are awakening to this idea that, Man, this is rough.  These are experiences, I need somebody to help me to make it through. And I think for us to say to ourselves and to individuals, it's okay to get help. It's okay that you're seeking outside sources, because it is rough. This is a challenging time. Mental health is…I'm a person who I would say I'm pretty happy-go-lucky. But this has been a rough time, I acknowledge it. And some of the things that we're bringing out is like, it's okay to seek help or to want to talk to somebody about how the stresses are unmanageable. And so I really appreciate both of you guys lifting that up.

Christina Roberts  13:03

And even reflecting back, you are doing a good job, the fact that you're showing up and paying attention to that does matter. And you know, someone was talking the other day about, they were sharing with a friend. Oh, I'm so stressed. They were sharing about their day. And the friend reflected back, Wow, it sounds like you had a hard half an hour. And they said, You know what, you're right, I actually had a pretty good day.  This half an hour was really hard and that's tainting my entire experience. And so I really appreciated that feedback from the person that kind of put it into perspective of okay, I can deal with this half an hour, and it doesn't have to taint the entire experience of my day. So I think even sometimes those friends reflecting back in that loving way is helpful.

Kristina Kaiser  13:42

That's a super good point. I'm in the middle of a book called Thrive right now. I think Dan Buettner is the author. But they talk about measuring happiness. And it turns out, it's best to look at chunks of a day.  So to say, I felt most happy, for instance, while I was socializing with people or during dinner, and then the spectrum goes all the way down to commuting. Commuting is like one of the least happiest times. But it comes back to this point, right? That our struggles tend to be encapsulated in these very specific points of our day. And they're mixed in. So we have a lot of this mixing. So that I'm noticing to be able to sit back and take in all the parts of the day. It helps, it really does help if we can see, if we can zoom out a little.

Christina Roberts  14:38

I agree. Well, thank you so much for a generative conversation around stress. Hopefully you found this to be helpful. I certainly did from my neck of the woods.

On this note, we're going to transition to the part of our podcasts where we talk about what we are into this week.

Kristina Kaiser  14:57

Well by the time this podcast comes out Mother's Day will be over. But I have been preparing for Mother's Day by making a lot of cheesecake. So in my younger years I learned how to make cheese cakes and found it just delightful. So I went out and I bought a crazy amount of ingredients for cheesecake and spent my weekend doing that. So in a way it's not just making the cheesecake. It's like the gift of giving the cheesecake is kind of what I'm into.

Chris Roberts  15:28

Nice. I like getting cheesecake. So no pressure on getting one to me.

Kristina Kaiser  15:34

I will keep that in mind.

Chris Roberts  15:38

Well, I've been into I think I mentioned a few episodes back being into researching shoes, wanting new shoes. And I wanted to wait a little bit before I plugged this shoe but I found a shoe researching all the different shoes. It's the Ultra lone peak six and it blows my mind for all that it does. It has a huge, wide toe box. I mean it just hugs my foot. It doesn't have that much of a heel and it is probably the most comfortable shoe that I've ever worn. I tore my calf not too long ago and so it's helped me get back out and enjoy walks.  I love the new shoe that I was all into researching not too long ago.

Christina Roberts  16:29

Yes, I can testify to the joy you have been experiencing with those shoes. Well by the time this podcast airs, Cinco de Mayo will have come and gone but I am into Cinco de Mayo celebrations. We have a friend who is from Mexico and every year they open up their home and she makes tamales and sopas and all the things. They turn their living room, dining room, and kitchen into a cafe. So you can come and dine in, you can take out and it's delicious, amazing homemade Mexican foods. So I am into our friends' Cinco de Mayo Mexican festivities. 

 Thank you so much for joining us today. As you may have picked up upon, we very much value community and relationship here at the contemplative life. And so we'd love it if you had a moment to drop us a line. Maybe tell us where you're listening from or if you have any questions or topics that you'd like to see addressed here on the podcast. We can find all of our contact information on our website, thecontemplativelife.net. 

Until next time, make it a great week. Thanks.