Ep 56 Limiting Mindsets

Limiting mindsets can show themselves in so many ways: The Inner Critic, Imposter Syndrome, Feeling Stuck…and they tend to show up even more profoundly when we’re growing and changing. But that said, they can also occur in smaller ways, impacting our joy for entire seasons at a time. So today we talk how being aware of those mindsets, and then engaging more mindfully, can make a huge difference in how we experience our days.  

Additional Resources
PDF: Limiting Mindsets 

#LimitingBeliefs
#Faith
#Companions
#RecurringThoughts 

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Transcript

​SUMMARY KEYWORDS

 limiting belief, limiting mindset, inner critic, imposter syndrome

Dominic Kaiser  00:06

Welcome to The Contemplative Life: Three pastors, friends and spiritual companions help us explore spirituality through a contemplative lens.

I'm Christina Roberts.
I'm Chris Roberts.
I'm Kristina Kaiser.  We're glad you joined us. 

Christina Roberts  00:25

Hello, it is great to be with you. Today we are talking about limiting mindsets. Now, this could be anything from self-doubt, perhaps it's our inner critic, or feeling like an imposter. Maybe there's an area in our life where we feel stuck, basically any sort of thoughts that we tend to have that muddy up our discernment. And I have found that limiting mindsets are areas that we return to over and over again in our lives. I think anytime that we are growing or changing, we tend to butt up against these limiting mindsets. And it tends to be an invitation for us to explore a little bit deeper, maybe an awareness of where these things come from in order to press forward into the new things that God has for us. Now, again, depending on what circles you swim in, some people call this “limiting beliefs.” In faith circles, sometimes this might be called a “lack of faith.” But essentially, it's these mindsets that we're talking about today. So as I bring this up, I'd love to just hear your thoughts on limiting mindsets and what comes up for you today.

Kristina Kaiser  01:29

Well, it's such a great topic. And I think, initially, when you first hear it, it kind of comes out of nowhere. And sometimes you think, Do I have any of those? I'm not really sure? And so while we probably have all of these possibilities that you were naming, like, Oh, do I have an inner critic? Am I doubtful of myself? Do I feel like an imposter? Probably, there's one that makes it easier for you to find based on personality, even though you probably have the whole spectrum. So for me and my personality, because I tend to shape shift and be a little bit of like, Oh, I'll be whatever you want me to be, feeling like an imposter is going to be the easiest place for me to kind of slide in and start thinking about it. And then after that, find my way into a little deeper spot of and how else does this play out in my life. So I just thought I'd throw that in there.

Chris Roberts  02:21

Yeah, I think for me, the thing that I hear in this is the common thread is resistance, where we run up against something in our lives. And so whether it's imposter syndrome, I think for me, the last time I encountered imposter syndrome was this resistance that I was feeling. I was in a spiritual direction school and the thing that they're teaching is listening. And I've always been a great storyteller and I found myself struggling to listen to other people's stories with an attentiveness. And so it's like, What the heck am I doing here trying to learn to listen?  I think for me, those are the themes that come up with mindsets just whenever we encounter resistance, and I see it specifically with my kids, right? Anytime there's any resistance, I can't do this, this is too hard, these limiting beliefs. And so how do I help them overcome it? Or how do I help them overcome whenever there's resistance, so that's what that's what I think.

Christina Roberts  03:34

Yeah, and I think like anything in life, there tends to be a spectrum of limiting mindsets. And so sometimes there's deeper ones that maybe come up in a spiritual direction session or something that's a little bit deeper.  But I'm even thinking of sometimes negative type things where, for example, we live in Wisconsin and we have really cold winters. And so even statements like I hate being cold, I can't wait till spring comes. I'm going to be miserable until spring comes… to me that's a limiting mindset.  You've limited your ability to enjoy the winter months and are anticipating that you won't be happy until spring comes.  So even little things like that where I’m learning and aware of how do I change that mindset? I live in a cold climate and what's it going to look like for me to embrace that? Yes, I can enjoy spring as well and look forward to that. But that doesn't mean that I have to be miserable. And so I think it can come up in those small ways or some of the more deeper types as well.

Kristina Kaiser  04:27

I love what both of you are saying. I moved back to the frigid cold about the same time as another friend from high school and I've noticed on her social media posts that she's embracing winter. She's learning to cross country ski and curl and ice skate as she is embracing winter. Oh my gosh, but that really is the name of the game. What can I do to embrace all of this and increase? I also love what you're saying. But the heart says, I care about people and I want to care about them in this way, right? I'm going to go to spiritual direction school. And the mind then is like, No, why would you ever do that? This disconnect between the heart and the mind seems to be playing into it, which is an interesting and meaningful observation. 

Chris Roberts  05:27

I think we say, Well, I'm good at this. I'm good at telling stories. But I am not good at this, right? And so the comparison happens as well, whenever we are, there's a struggle.  We are running up against that resistance, oftentimes, the challenge is to stay with it and to learn and to grow.   Growth is very challenging. It requires steadfastness. It requires you to reach beyond where you're currently at, even with your mind sets, reaching beyond and imagining something different. I can listen to people. I can practice this notion of hearing their stories, being attentive.  Yes, I am a great storyteller. But I think I can also envision being a spiritual director where I sit with people's stories. So you know, I think that's also something that I think that we can be aware of.

Christina Roberts  06:23

And I like that because it's not like I'm this and then we jump to there, like we're naming and claiming, and all of a sudden, now, I'm a great storyteller. Or, you know, for me, I've always been a shy person. As a kid, I was extremely shy. And so that's always been my limiting mindsets that I'm having to overcome. But it's not like, Okay, now I'm going to be outgoing, or talk to people or overcome things. It's the slow and steady incremental things. And so sometimes, even in transforming our mindsets, it's not so much about just choosing the opposite thing and claiming that, but what sort of steps that I can take along the way. I am going to lean into this, I'm also going to give this a try. Or, you know, I noticed last week that I went out of my comfort zone and introduced myself to a new person that I hadn't done before, and it went okay. And that gives me confidence to try again, versus now I'm going to be this outgoing, non shy person. So, again, I like what you're saying, it kind of reminds me of when you have braces, you can't straighten your teeth in one setting. It’s over the course of months with adjustments and a little bit at a time to go from your crooked teeth to your straight teeth. And I think a lot of times with our mindsets, it's that slow and steady process that you're describing. 

Kristina Kaiser  07:31

Yes, absolutely, and it can feel a bit torturous is the thing, right? So if I think of some of my own struggles, I'll tend to think like, oh, life is so busy, right? And I have no control, because this moment dictates this in my life at this moment, and therefore, I have no control. But you know, there's been little ways, little practices to be able to feel like no, there's these other spaces in the days. On the lower end, I can make a list, right? And I can check things off. And I can put them on certain days, I can create a calendar. So these are like little things. But sometimes you would just sit with another human and let them ask the reflective questions that helped me to open it up and see my life a little bit differently. And because it's a limiting belief, I can kind of fix it, if you will, like I can get in a good headspace. And then it can come back and I have to do more work, which is frustrating, but more helpful to be able to do that with another human not to feel like I'm all hunkered in alone, and I can't ever get anything right and the whole bit. So which is probably another limiting belief.

Christina Roberts  08:39

Kristina, I think it's important to name that we are always going to have limiting beliefs. So we are going to go back to things because hopefully we're growing and evolving and changing, which requires us revisiting things. And we're at a different point on that limiting mindset. We've grown to a certain level in that. And typically, there's always room for even more of that. So I think even what you're naming that, yeah, we do. And I love having someone sort of draw that out in us is so key. 

Chris Roberts  09:05

I think one of the things that I've found helpful too, is personally like, one of my ways that I've limited myself, in noticing the way I am around beverages and food. And it's like if I don't have this, I'm not going to be happy. And I say that as I have three different beverages surrounding me right now: Coffee, sparkling water, more coffee. But you know, I think if I don't have these things, I'm not going to have a fulfilled life. I need these things to be happy. And one of the things that I begin to think of as I'm approaching 50. And my thing that I'm envisioning is at 50, I want to be healthier than I was at 40. And so I'm projecting that at 50. I'm going to be in better shape. I'm going to be able to do more activities with my kids. And so I think for me, projecting what you want to be is very helpful to mindsets. And so I'm projecting my 50 year old self, I'm looking towards my 50 year old self. And I'm in better shape than I was when I was 40. And so therefore, I'm eliminating some things in my life, that whenever I used to think, oh, I need I need that to be happy or to have joy in my life, instead of thinking that I'm actually thinking, oh, I want to go for a walk, because my 50-year-old self is going to be healthier than my 40-year-old. So. So I think that's also helpful as we think about mindset.

Christina Roberts  10:42

Yeah, I like that, because it comes from a place of possibility versus deprivation, which always seems like a helpful space to be in. 

Kristina Kaiser  10:48

Yeah, I think so too. I love that notion. And in thinking even back to when we're able to process with another human, when somebody says, like, Oh, you're just for instance, like I had somebody once say, you're just so good at flow. And that felt very different from I'm a busy frazzled mess, right. And so someone else naming something that they can see in you that you can't necessarily see, can even help with this idea that gives you an image that you weren't even able to have for yourself before. 

Chris Roberts  11:25 

One of the things I hear us saying is that you need companions on the way to name, to draw out, to help you to identify.  I think it was sitting with some of these limiting beliefs, and being able to retell it to another person, or them retell it to me.  I think what I just heard you say is, if you're not experiencing this enough, that you're not going to be happy or fulfilled, and you know, somebody being with you in the journey. I think companions are super helpful along the way.

Christina Roberts  11:56

So one way that we want to offer a companion that's maybe not a person but, I know, for me, when I was first learning about this idea of limiting mindset, it's like, okay, well, I don't even know where to begin. And so we have created a PDF with just some examples.  This is obviously not an exhaustive list of every single limiting mindset. But sometimes having some samples, it's like, oh, I can go through that, and maybe circle some things that I resonate with and then even personalize what that means for me. So if you would like that, we invite you to click next to this recording here, there'll be a PDF download that you can look at. And then if you feel like you know what this is bringing up some stuff that I think would benefit some deeper exploration, we would love that too. And so if that's you, please reach out to us at info@thecontemplativelife.net and we would be happy to schedule a session with you and process through what that might look like. Thanks so much for a generative conversation on limiting mindsets today.

Christina Roberts  12:58

On that note, let us transition to the part of our podcast where we talk about what we are into this week. So what are we into?

Chris Roberts  13:06

Well, I have been into refugee resettlement. So I have been collecting goods and items. And I've engaged in this activity with my kids who have gone on websites and purchased everything that a home would need to make someone feel welcome and comfortable. And it all came to fruition not too long ago, where me and my daughter took all this stuff, and put it in their home and set things up. And I have been into refugee resettlement, and I've been able to do it with my kids. And it's been so fun. And we actually got to participate with several other organizations, churches, communities. And so it was super fun. And I've been into it. But I'm also looking forward to that chapter being closed.

Christina Roberts  14:10

Yes, it is quite the process to do that. And it was really neat to see different people from our communities come together for that. So what a great thing to be into. So I'm going to jump off of Kristina's friend who is embracing winter and I am into ice castles. There are a few cities in the United States and one of them happens to be Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, which is just under two hours from Madison, where they have these ice castles.  I've never been before, but after this podcast, I think about a half an hour after the podcast is done recording today is when the tickets go on sale. So I'm hoping that our family can go. We have these random days off during the winter. I don't know what it is with our school districts, but all of a sudden in the middle of January, you'll have a Monday off and it's not a national holiday. So I thought well, let's just take one of these random school days and go see the ice castles. So that is what I'm into this week. 

Kristina Kaiser  14:59

I am interested in being extremely practical. I am into slow cooker meals for this week. So it's really a very specific thing. But we just had so many things going on that I thought you know what, this is a week for the slow cooker where you put it in, you walk away and you come back and it's magically done. So this is the week of the slow cooker.

Christina Roberts  15:22

I love me some slow cooker. That's good. 

Chris Roberts  15:25

We just slow cooked some venison not too long ago and it was amazing. 

Christina Roberts  15:30

Well, thanks so much for joining us today. If you enjoy listening to the podcast, we invite you to sign up for our bi weekly newsletter. You can find the link in the show notes or at thecontemplativelife.net. Until next time, make it a great week.