E 247 Fixing vs Serving and Empowering

Often with good intentions, we can easily find ourselves in fix it mode with people we care about in our lives.  Today we take a look at how to move from fixing into serving and empowering. 

Mentioned on today's episode:

Spindrift Ginger Lime Mule 

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Transcript

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Chris: Hello. It's great to be with you today we are talking about moving away from into serving and empowering others, and this comes up in various circles in marriages. We often hear one spouse say that they don't want their partner to fix them, but to just simply listen to them. And we call certain professions, helping professions.

And there's often talk about the job not being to fix people, but rather to serve and empower. And there's actually a poem I came across, uh, a poem from an unknown author called A Fixer, and I'd like to read it to us today as a way to kick off our conversation A fixer. A fixer has the illusion of being casual.

A server knows he or she is being used in the service of something greater, essentially unknown. [00:01:00] We fix something specific. We serve always the something wholeness and the mystery of life. Fixing and helping are the work of the ego. Serving is the work of the soul. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken.

When you serve, you see life as a whole. Fixing and helping make cure, but service heals. When I help, I feel satisfaction, and when I serve, I feel gratitude. Fixing is a form of judgment. Serving is a form of connection. And this poem highlights. Moving from fixing to serving. The subtle difference is huge in how we approach people.

Tina: Yeah. And I would take it even a step further towards empowering others as well. I think serving [00:02:00] is very important and it comes naturally to you, Chris. Uh, but for me, I think empowering is another layer that resonates with me and how I'm wired and like to approach the world. Uh, and I think both are valuable, but I appreciate us kind of moving away from the fixing.

In fact, just the other day, I was in a session with someone and I walked away feeling like I was in a fix-it mode rather than one of Companioning and being with them in the journey. And I would say usually it's with seemingly good intentions, right? We wanna help somebody has a problem and we want to try to resolve it.

We want to relieve some of their burden. But as I step back to reflect upon my session, I actually noticed some mindsets that I was carrying. And actually taking a really big step back. First of all, I think even using the term fixing, uh, and words like tools. You know, sometimes people talk about we have tools in our lives, or this is a new tool for my toolkit, which I think they mean a skill or something to apply in our lives to make us feel better.

But the word tool actually [00:03:00] makes me feel like we're talking about machines rather than humans. Uh, people are not machines, right? We're human beings with complex stories and experiences and emotions at play. And I think it can imply that if you do this thing or you take these three steps, you're gonna be fixed and moved on.

Uh, and so I think we throw around these phrases like a quick fix or stick on a bandaid or things like that. Uh, but what does that really mean? And, and I think even the language to me, uh, I wanna pause around. Versus a slow process, a slow change, a quick insight towards movement, actionable steps, right? I think a bandaid is a temporary relief, and sometimes we need bandaids, right?

If you have a, a bleeding wound happening. Bandaid companies make a lot of money because we use them often. We have different sizes of bandaids, so I'm not saying that there's never a place for that, but I've noticed in contemplative circles. Using language like resources or spiritual practices, even to me implies repetition.

It re implies revisiting, iteration. [00:04:00] And so that language resonates more with me on a personal and even organizational level. And so I try to catch myself when I am using words like fixing or helping, uh, trying to swap that language out. And what would it mean to talk about resources and practices and being a little bit more in the empowering space as it were?

Chris: Yes, absolutely. And uh, Christina, I know words are really important to you and language we use around certain ideas, so I'm glad that you are highlighting this as it does make a difference in how we are approaching people and situations. And I would say for me, you know, time. Time actually plays a big factor, , in my framework of fixing versus empowering.

I think often I enter into fix-it mode when I don't want to give a lot of time to the person or the problem they might be sharing. , I don't take time to fully hear. , , and if I'm in fix it mode, it's quick. [00:05:00] I get in, I get out. There's, uh, a quick sense of satisfaction that I actually help someone.

And I think at times that's appropriate. Um, if there's an emergency, for example, I can come in and fix an external situation that alleviates pressure. That is, that that's an appropriate response. , I fix a flat tire. I fix a machine. To your point earlier. Uh, but with people, time is needed to journey with others and allow for the ebbs and flow.

Uh, it takes patience and it's amazing in a spiritual direction session where some idea or thought will come to my mind. But as I listen and I let the person sort of meander. Often they come up with a similar or even better thought or idea if given, , the time and space to do so, and it hits at a much deeper [00:06:00] level than if I were to chime in with my great idea for them to do in order to fix the problem.

, Yeah. I think meandering with someone is not fixing and it requires just a different set of skills and patience. , Fixing makes a lot of assumptions rather than coming from a place of asking questions and seeking to understand. And I find that spiritual direction is an opportunity to meander. In our stories saunter, if you will, we may revisit the same timelines over and over again and , each time may offer just a little bit of nuance.

And this is much different from problem solving, , moving forward, fixing. 

Tina: Yeah, I appreciate you saying that because I think oftentimes people feel embarrassed that they're revisiting something over and over again. And I am often saying, you know, no, I think that's part of the process and each time there is something different to your point, and I [00:07:00] think our culture's used to fixing, we're used to in and out, we're used to quick, and so sometimes it can feel really uncomfortable where.

We're sitting in a session and we know we've been helped, and maybe we've taken a step forward or something has become a little bit more clear, but it's not totally resolved and we have to live in that in-between space. And so I agree with what you're saying. That time I think is a real, uh, indicator of whether we're in fix-it mode or not, and allowing ourselves or the person that we're companioning.

More time to really sit with. , I would say in addition to time, I find scarcity as another area that comes up with fixing. And so when I'm bumping up against someone else and either their perception of reality or maybe they actually do have limited resources and that that is their reality, I find that, um, people try to fix when we're uncomfortable with the problem and we don't wanna be there and we feel limited and we don't know what to do.

And I think that fixing can tend to bypass some of the discomfort at hand. Rather than addressing it and allowing it to run its course. And so oftentimes if I feel limited, [00:08:00] then I immediately, it's like, okay, you try to like bypass that to get to a short term answer to alleviate the pressure. But I think instead taking the time to say, okay, what do I actually have in resources?

I think a question that you and I Chris, years ago, one of our mentors shared with us that's been so helpful when we come against scarcity, is to take time to, to notice what is clear, what is clear about this situation. What do I know already? What resources are at hand? And that helps us to come from a place of empowerment versus a reactivity or a disempowered mode to do something quickly, even if a, a temporary fix rather than sticking with something longer and a more challenging route that we know will lead to more sustainability and longevity in the long run.

And so I would say to me, fixing seems to be a little bit more nearsighted. Um, and I like to think in terms of spiritual bifocals that yes, we look at the issue at hand, but we also need to see the long distance viewpoint. And so not getting so fixated on the discomfort [00:09:00] or inconvenient at the moment that we forget to look out.

And so I think having those spiritual bifocals really helps us to go from, again, that fixing to maybe the serving that you mentioned earlier where. What's the whole, how do we serve the whole thing happening here and not just this one acute thing that is drawing our immediate attention, but if given some time and space and an ability to get out of scarcity mode, perhaps some different solutions could come forth.

Chris: Yes, absolutely. I think scarcity plays a huge factor in, . Our motivations for fixing. Also, I find that when I try to fix, it puts people on the d on, on the defensive because they may feel attacked or . Like I'm coming at them. I think influencing or serving is connecting and showing that we're both on the same side of the table, looking together at, you know, what needs tending.

We're, we're not ignoring problems. , We're not saying everything is rosy [00:10:00] and nothing needs attention. It just has to do with the approach and adding value, drawing out the person's ability to get in tune with what is actually going on, and uncover a deeper layer of understanding and insight. And, you know, maybe there's some grief or fear or something else.

And, you know, we just come alongside someone and we a, allow them the opportunity to let down their guards. And last episode, we, we talked about the hero's journey. , And, you know, , you're not the hero in their story. , They are the hero and you know, we're just a companion. And so if I think, if I have.

A solution that is simple and I can step in. It doesn't really serve in the long run. , I think it's, it's okay to flounder a bit versus swooping in, and that's how we become the [00:11:00] hero in our own story. . , It's not my job to be a savior. , The guide supports and believes in people, empowers them and may throw out ideas to consider, but it's a really, uh, it's a long-term relationship.

So that's how I see it. 

Tina: Yeah. And I, I, I agree with you. I think all the things that you're highlighting there really makes sense, and it does put us on the defense because it, it, again, we're coming from that place of something being wrong that needs to be fixed, as opposed to we're journeying and there's ebbs and flows, and there's seasons that are darker, seasons that are lighter or heavier or whatever it is.

And so, you know, I think using that language of journeying and companioning, and again, going back to last week's episode, like you mentioned. Uh, it's a, it's a journey that we're on that we keep repeating over and over again in our lives. We don't arrive. But, um, I appreciate some of your language around meandering and sauntering and, uh, that that's actually part of, of what we're aspiring to.

And I know when I was in spiritual direction training, my supervisor was really big on. Sort [00:12:00] of whenever the word help came up, she would kinda like ding, ding, ding. And make sure that we noted that and try to get us to use a different word in that situation to get us outta that mentality. Again, to your point earlier, that many people in helping professions that, you know, it's, it's in the name right, that that we, that we help.

And I think coming alongside of that can be a fixing mentality. And so I think this is really important to think about more of the serving and the. Empowering aspects. And so with that, I'd love to reread the poem that Chris shared at the beginning of the episode. Um, I find that when I hear something a second time or even a third time, different things shimmer as we listen again, especially in light of our conversation that we've been having.

And so I love to read again. Again, this is a poem called A Fixer, and the author is Unknown Anonymous that we found on the internet. So a fixer has the illusion of being casual. A server knows that he or she is being used in the service of something greater, essentially unknown. We fix something specific.

We serve always the something [00:13:00] wholeness and the mystery of life. Fixing and helping are the work of the ego. Serving is the work of the soul. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may cure service heals. When I help, I feel satisfaction.

When I serve, I feel gratitude. Fixing is a form of judgment. Serving is a form of connection.

Chris: Well, thank you so much for, uh, exploring this topic. , I found it to be a, a wonderful conversation

 and now is the part of our podcast where we talk about what we are into. So what are we into? 

Tina: Well, I am into finding fun Easter basket treats. And so I, uh, as, as many of our podcast listeners know, I grew up Greek [00:14:00] Orthodox and Orthodox Easter is usually on a different week than the traditional Easter that most people celebrate.

And so with that, we have a, another extra week before our Easter. And so, uh, it was funny growing up. We would always get discounted Easter candy 'cause everything was on sale by the time our Easter rolled around. And so we'd always like, uh, my cousins and I, and we'd like kind of get a lot of really good, like we'd make bang on our Easter baskets.

But anyway, um, I've been into kind of looking at what our kids like and little treats and books and special things like that. So I am very much into Easter basket mode. 

Chris: Lovely. Well, uh, I have really been into, , sparkling waters recently. Um, and there's a new sparkling water that has just really hitting.

Just r is super refreshing. It's, uh, spin drifts, , ginger, lime, mule sparkling water, and , it's just very refreshing. It's got, uh, ginger lime [00:15:00] and there's a famous drink here in Wisconsin, probably all over the place called a Moscow Mule. That a lot of people like to drink. Uh, so it's a spinoff of that drink, but it doesn't have any of the alcohol or any of the sugar.

It's just a very crisp, refreshing drink that I have been, , delighting in, uh, once, once a day in the evening. So I am into ginger lime mule. 

Tina: Very yummy. 

Chris: Well, thank you so much for joining us. It was wonderful to have you along in our meandering conversation today. And until next time, make it a great week.